UnNews:Russian children saved from hell
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Russian children saved from hell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 18:51:UTC)(
30 December 2012
MOSCOW, Russia -- While his reign may have had its controversial moments, today Russian president Vladimir Putin (Russian: Верховный непогрешимого вождя Off-the-record-Russian: Бесполезные большой нос) made a bold move for the betterment of the nation, and perhaps all mankind, when he banned those Capitalist Yanks over the ocean from adopting Russian children.
On Friday, December 28th, Putin saved thousands of innocent Russian orphans from a life of despair by passing a bill which bars Americans from adopting from Russia.
Historically, Americans have been legally abducting more defenseless Russian children than any other nation and brainwashing them from their youth in order to erase all traces of memory of their first 18 months of life living in glorious Russia.
Reliable Russian media sources report that Russian kids taken to America are generally brought up as slave labor and put to work in the sex industry, used for human experiments, or ritually burned on altars as sacrifices to their hamburger god. Saving them from the physical torment is not all Putin's move has accomplished though, the Bible teaches, and it has been reaffirmed by the Russian Orthodox Church, that kids taken from the motherland and raised in America will be damned to eternal hellfire. Thus, he has even saved their very souls.
Additionally, if raised in America, the children could become obese, contract a heart condition, and die five years early. If raised in Russian orphanages, there is no faintly remote way they could possibly become overweight, much less obese. And if they should accidentally die 60 years early as a result of malnutrition, then at least they never had to experience the horrors of dietary-induced diabetes.
Naturally, this law comes with its objectors, as is always the case. One point critics are quick to note is the less-than-stellar accommodations Russia orphanages offer, this argument would be made moot if any of those critics ever witnessed an official government-sponsored presentation of life in America which actually has to be partially censored just to save viewers their sanity.
Luckily the detractors are few, most Russians are pleased with this passage. For too long America has been making Russians look bad, as if they couldn't care for their own orphaned children. Obviously this is not the case, it is not that Russians can't, they merely don't want to.
- "Putin signs bill barring adoptions of Russian children by Americans". The Associated Press, December 28, 2012