UnNews:Russian Space Chief Announces Operation Ass Monkey
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Russian Space Chief Announces Operation Ass Monkey
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 04:41:UTC)(
30 December 2009
MOSCOW, Russia - Anatoly Perminov, Russia's space agency chief, has enlisted the help of his country's Health Chief to devise plans to develop new medical technologies that would effectively prevent monkeys from flying out of his ass.
Medical scientists around the world have described the event as "certainly impossible", but the Russian space chief is undeterred by their findings.
"While it remains a very remote possibility," said Perminov, "the prospect of having some plural number of monkeys flying out of my ass is a wholly unpleasant one to me. It is important to the health and well-being of my delicate sphincter that we spend the several hundred million dollars it may take to prevent the possibility at all."
Some scientists have theorized about ways to prevent monkeys from flying out of Perminov's ass in the past, and no fewer than two Hollywood film scripts have been pitched depicting medical missions to avoid this catastrophic event. None of these have as yet been green-lighted, however, though Morgan Freeman has been said to be attached to one of them, playing the role of the second wise old black U.S. President taking on the cause of Perminov's delicate sphincter personally.
"Preliminary calculations show that it is technologically possible to devise probes that could conceivably enter the anus of the Russian space chief and neutralize the activities of any monkeys with plans to fly out. Actual prevention of the presence of monkeys to begin with is a matter still being investigated."
Boris Shustov, the director of the Institute of Astronomy under the Russian Academy of Sciences, hailed Perminov's statement as a signal that officials had come to recognize the danger posed by ass monkeys.