UnNews:Russian Roulette: Computer beats human rivals
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
17 February 2011
HO CHI MINH CITY, Vietnam -- Well, start the "computers are conquering the world" jokes. Russian Roulette master Han Nygun already has, or he would if he were alive now. The IBM supercomputer Watson won its second "Russian Roulette" game during Tuesday's edition of the Vietnamese TV reality show, completing a bloody sweep of its two human opponents, including Nygun, who acknowledged mankind's trivial inferiority by blowing his own brains out.
"I, for one, despise the new computers," Nygun wrote in his unfinished book, Blanks: The Final Solution. “Unlike humans, the computer casing is bullet proof and the machine does not feel pain or suffering. Besides, it has nothing to lose in life. It isn't fair!”
Watson - despite being far from macho and having no cajones - was ahead in the twelve game matches. It beat Nygun and old school Russian Roulette champion, Bobby De Niro, earning $4,400 for the two-game total. Nygun, who was even coming into the second round before succumbing to a head entry-exit wound, ended the match dead in second place. His winnings ($3,400) will be given to his grieving villagers.
The IBM Challenge special games on the popular Vietnamese TV show were spread over two days, during which host Hanoi Jane patiently explained about the gutless computer to millions of non-English speaking VC viewers. Watson was in development for years and has advanced processing power equivalent to 20 atomic bombs like the one dropped on Hiroshima.
Western technocrats trumpet Watson as a machine that can rival any human's ability to take chances which are posed in unnatural illogical folly. During every match of the risky game Watson was as lucky or luckier than its opponents. It breezed through single, double and triple chamber Russian Roulette rounds before being declared the winner and sole survivor.
IBM said it would donate all of Watson's winnings toward cleaning Agent Orange out of Vietnam’s Eco system - a seemingly impossible goal that could take millions of years and require tectonic crustal displacement; or, perhaps less time if Watson is tasked with the job. Sponsors announced that the next stage of Watson's rise to super-human glory is an attempt to best daredevil Evel Knievel by successfully jumping across Snake River Canyon on the Skycycle X-2, a steam-powered rocket.
- Staff "Computer finishes off human opponents on Jeopardy!". CNN, Feb 18, 2011