UnNews:Russian Reversal Tragically Comes True
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Russian Reversal Tragically Comes True
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 18:50:UTC)(
2 August 2008
The boy's friend said to UnNews, "I like sent him this card--it was gonna just be a joke--it said 'In Soviet Russia, sandwich eats YOU!!' The thing is, when he read this out loud, suddenly his sandwich jumped up and swallowed him whole." Another pupil at the school confirmed this tragic story, "I was sitting next to these guys when suddenly I saw this sandwich jump out of the guy's lunchbox. I was gonna say 'watch out,' but it was too late." The boy's mother told UnNews in an exclusive interview, "Usually I made his lunch for him, but today he wanted to make his own. I never got a good look, but I could swear one of the sandwiches looked a bit weird."
The ruling Emo Dynasty has issued a statement in which it claims that this incident has nothing to do with controversial experiments involving sandwiches that jump up and swallow people whole when they say a Russian Reversal about sandwiches. The dynasty admits experiments of this nature took place, but denies they would ever test them in a town that nobody has ever heard of.
"You see," said the head-of-research at the laboratory where these experiments took place in the town that nobody has ever heard of, "we just thought, 'now what are the chances that one of our enemies would ever say a Russian Reversal about sandwiches in front of a sandwich?'"
Captain Obvious agrees, "It's too specific."
The townspeople are baffled as to how a sandwich that has nothing to do with classified government experiments could just jump up and swallow a person whole. "We're considering banning sandwiches until we know what happened," says a member of the town council.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
A full investigation is being carried out by the local police department and the results of the post mortem are expected soon.
(Due to irrational fear that the small town mentioned in this article could possibly become a terrorist target, UnNews, due to stringent anti-terrorism legislation passed yesterday, cannot reveal the location of the aforementioned small town. We apologise for any inconvenience caused. Also, a few minutes after this article was published, the Emo Dynasty mentioned in this article, collapsed, we cannot apologise for any inconvenience caused. You see, we never said they should go and collapse, now did we?}