UnNews:Russia to rebuild, sell military machine

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12 February 2007

Chip Taping Machine

The original Russian military machine was completed in 1976

MOSCOW, Former (and Future) USSR - In the heyday of the Soviet Union nearly 300% of the USSR's gross domestic product was spent on its military every single year. Since the collapse of Communism this expenditure has proven excessive and cutbacks to ensure the steady supply of vodka to the troops have resulted in forced shortages of military luxuries like rations, boots, and reactor shielding. Russia has attempted to offset this by selling its surplus mothballed Cold War era hardware to any nation that can say "I'm not going to try to overthrow Western Capitalist civilisation, cross my heart and hope to die" whilst keeping a more or less straight face.

However, this audacious and inventive plan has reached a major problem - there are simply no more obsolete weapons to sell. Undeterred, the Russians have begun selling more modern equipment. Whereas once they were content with supplying WWII-era tanks and aircraft to the former Yugoslavia and every petty dictator in Africa, they are now selling much more sophisticated arms to the more discerning buyers such as Palestine, Iran, and North Korea. This upswing in arms income has spurred Russian military technology to new heights.

Russian defense spokesman Ivan Russki issued a statement to the world's press, presumably in a thick Russian accent:

"No longer are we content to sell the piles of old woodworm-infested Yak aircraft. We are engaged in a proactive scheme of R&D and mass production which will ensure that in ten years time even the poorest of insurgents can own an S-300 long range anti-air missile capable of taking out a fighter at eighteen miles or an airliner at thirty. Whereas once they'd have to make do with a petrol bomb, now they can afford Kornet-E laser guided anti-armour missiles capable of blowing a hole in a battleship. I look forward to the day when every single man, woman, child, and dog on Earth can own a Russian-built nuke."

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