|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
12 December 2013
CANADA -- Move over Mother Russia, Papa Santa has staked his claim on your so-called hinder land. The Great White Philanthropist, Santa Claus, who is a cross between Father Christmas and Peter Pan, wants his piece of the North Pole and its surrounding Arctic waters - legally.
In an initial submission to the United Nations, Claus's solicitor invoked the ‘Santa Clause’ in the UN charter and requested his nautical border be extended by about 1.2 million square kilometers.
Under international law, Pole states can claim territory up to 200 nautical miles beyond their coasts. So if Santa Claus can prove that part of his continental shelf extends beyond that, then the U.N. will consider expanding his current ownership.
Meanwhile, Russia hasn’t gotten around to fully mapping out the area and officials admit they don't have the historical, cultural nor mythical evidence to counter Santa's claim just yet.
But this has not stopped Russia from claiming parts of the North Pole as it’s own. They say an under-ground mountain range known as the Putin Ridge links the North Pole to the South Pole, thereby forming a sub-terrain boundary that absolves Russia of having to honor the UN Charter. Russia has notified the UN that it is objecting to Santa's land claim, while simultaneously proposing that Father Christmas and his pedophilic-socialist charity program be brought under Russian Orthodox control.
And Russia means business. It planted its own Chinese-made Titanium flag on the seabed at the North Pole back in 2007 – which was no small feat considering that the Arctic Ocean is frozen in ice hard enough to sink the Titanic. Now the Globe and Mail both report that Russian President Vladimir Putin has ordered his country’s military to boost its presence in the Arctic after hearing about Santa's UN bid.
Besides the freezing cold, remoteness, and lack of Wi-Fi, there’s another good reason both sides are so eager to lay claim to the North Pole. According to the U.S. Geological Survey, it is fantasied to be home to all of the world’s hidden undiscovered natural gas. Therefore Santa’s bold assertion may have more to do with imaginary resources than it does with holiday spirit.
A professor at some renowned University who specializes in Arctic sovereignty told the media, “The North Pole has extreme emotional value; people have an image that's essentially of Santa's workshop, so there's a huge cultural angle to this, the idea of claiming the North Pole for your country just goes totally against well established myth and bona fide pretending.”
So don’t expect a Russian Christmas at the North Pole this year. Santa’s solicitor says the material he submitted is only preliminary. Now experts say it could take up to 100 years before Claus completes the legal process. And it is highly unlikely that Putin will out-live Santa any time soon.