UnNews:Russia and the US agree on draft Syria resolution

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26 September 2013

Mad-vs-Vlad

A compromise has finally been reached between the US and Russia: let them deal with it themselves. The same conclusion was reached several weeks ago in Westminster, after William Hague kicked a chair and shouted "I give up on the bastards!"

UNITED NATIONS, New York -- After hours of negotiation, the US and Russia have finally agreed on a draft resolution to solve the crisis in Syria, which will be voted on at some point next week. Previous attempts to put forward a resolution have failed, as Russia disagreed with the wording and potential scope of a draft French resolution, but a compromise is believed to have been agreed upon.

Under the terms of this new agreement, the Assad regime will promise to disclose the location of Syria to the American administration, who will then oversee its destruction. Syrian President Bastard al-Asshat is understood to agree in principle to the plans, and has promised complete destruction of the Syrian state no later than mid-2014. He spoke to-day on state television in support of Russian Premier Vladimir Putin, and assured his countrymen that he had irrefutable proof that the chemical attack on Aleppo scheduled for next Wednesday will be caused by "terrorists" and "rebel factions", and that any military aircraft in the area will be on a "routine deployment to assure the safety of civilians".

The international reaction has been mixed. President Putin has spoken of a "new dawn" for the arms trade across the region, but French President Francois Hollande had made it clear he doesn't think the resolution goes far enough, and has called for a full-scale intervention across all Arab countries. When questioned as to why currently peaceful states such as Kuwait or Algeria ought to face intervention, he answered "Of course we should invade. Don't you find it suspicious they're not fighting? They're up to something."

A full debate will take place soon, most likely on Tuesday, followed by meeting of the Security Council on Friday. China will veto the resolution.

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