|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
11 August 2008
The USSR wasn't dead-it was all a trick by Putin! It is clear now that the Soviets lured the USA into a false sense of security by faking their economic ruin and the overthrow of their Communist government by a Democratic one.
Furthermore, Joseph Stalin and Vladimir Lenin aren't even dead but were secretely placed in suspended animation via mummification techniques. The mummified leaders were raised from the dead accidentally by none other than Hollywood hunk actor Brendan Fraser when he mistakenly activated an old USSR artifact. The artifact, a Soviet Silver Sickle of Bravery Award, triggered the release of cardiac calcium channel gates, which in turn lead to the pumping of plasma back into the Kommander's mummified corpses (ala Dr. Phibes), pumping out the specialized enzyme-based embalming fluid, causing the two to come back to life. Once alert and oriented, they immediately took control over Soviet Russian Intelligence Command and ordered Russian troops to immediately invade Savannah, GA. Thanks to their sleeper agent there, Jimmy Carter, who has been a Communist all this time and working as a General Contractor building houses for Communist Sleeper Intelligence Agents to live in until they were activated.
Jimmy Carter shouted "Malaise Forever!" and Ivan in the Tank and his fellow Soviet Soldiers raided Savannah Georgia and took over the city. After that the state of Georgia fell to the USSR and they installed Jimmy Carter as their Soviet leader, and made Russian the official language of Georgia.
George W. Bush was quoted as saying "I never really liked Georgia anyway, but at least we got 49 other states left. They would have voted for Obama in November 2008, so it is no big loss."
Jimmy Carter celebrated with free peanut butter and vodka, and made prostitution legal but only for Russian women that used to be men.
- Chet YouBetcha "Google News informs us that the Russians are invading the South". Google, August 10, 2008