UnNews:Russia's communist resistance sends bear army to retake Romania, four US tourists left dead
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Russia's communist resistance sends bear army to retake Romania, four US tourists left dead
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 08:10:UTC)(
24 June 2007
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BUCHAREST, Romania -- In a startling turn of events, this past week, Russian forces launched a sneak attack against Romania. As has historically been the case, the front-line defense of all countries against communist incursion is the United States, and this was no exception. In valiant defense of Romania against the Russian special-forces, 4 US tourists in Romania were left dead.
The US ambassador to Russia immediately asked for an explanation. Russian authorities had no comment.
According to the local media, the instigators of this deadly attack were Bears. Noted bear-expert Stephen Colbert explains it this way, "Bears are godless killing machines." Clearly, the essence of Communism is godless killing, and Russia has instilled into its bears this horrific and insatiable lust.
According to Colbert, the bears in question were communist bears, believed to have been sent by a small Bolshevik resistance group in Russia. The US government lists this group as a terrorist organization, and notes that for the last decade it has been bent on a recreation of the mighty Soviet Union. As part of this goal the Bolshevik Bears for the Recreation of the Soviet Union (BBFRSU) has been launching terrorist attacks against former Soviet-bloc countries.
The horrors for these brave Americans began when a small group of tourists visited Romania for their summer vacation. Interested only in the local flora and fauna, they set out to hike several local mountains. As they began to hike up a trail, they were taken by surprise by several bears. While the reports are conflicting, it seems that these bears were dressed in bright red uniforms, and wearing their hammer-and-sickle insignias proudly. One of the bears pulled out a pistol from the back pocket of his uniform, yelling something a foreign language and firing into the air. It is not known at this time if the language was Russian or a dialect of Bear, as both sound remarkably similar.
As the pistol shots rang out, the other bears attacked, and charged into Romania. The Americans, in an act of selfless heroism, decided to defend the weak Romanian army against these clawed invaders. As three of the tourists valiantly ran away, four more heroically curled into the fetal position. The remaining two, being the most heroic of all, ran behind a large tree, and threw small pebbles at the bears. When one bear walked over and demanded an apology after being hit in the eye, the two Americans heroically ran off to help the three that had run away, screaming girlishly as they ran.
The four US tourists who had bravely assumed the fetal position so that the Romanians could retreat were gruesomely mauled by the bears. Due in great part to a lack of American medicine, they were unable to be saved, and were awarded their medals of honor posthumously. Congress is now preparing to declare war the bears, citing that they "just don't like the things", and that "We already took down the Godless Killing Machine (Russia) once, and by God we're prepared to do it again."