UnNews:Running away from flaming monkeys to become an Olympic event
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Running away from flaming monkeys to become an Olympic event
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, November 27, 2015, 13:02:UTC)(
16 June 2008
SOME MISSION BASE, Mexico — The Panel of People With Very Little to Do today declared that there will be a new event in the Olympic games, which will be making its debut in the 201
23 London version of the games. Named "Virus", it will entail competitors being placed in a medium-sized arena with several monkeys, one of which is on fire. The competitors will then try to avoid those that catch on fire, with bronze, silver and gold medals being awarded to those who last the longest.
Elijah Jones, head of the Wild West entry of the games, as well as chair of the "Olde-worlde Participants Committee", hailed this as an epic victory for monkey-dodgers everywhere. In a press conference today in front of the local sheriff, Jones said; "We find this new event perfectly acceptable, with no health-whatcha-ca-mooits or danger-i-pooits whatsoever. I give this my seal of approval, and now I have to go find the Colonel and make myself some tasty meat." This Colonel was unavailable for comment, presumably being skinned alive by Jones.
Support for the new event has been almost universal in modern and even post-modern entries, too. Sergeant B. Cortez, leader of the "Space Station For Gold 2332" movement, said; "We are very happy the virus is now an official event [polishes gun]. We feel that it greatly increases our chances of winning a gold, umm, medal in the [polishes shades] games. I would like to [polishes bald head]...as I was saying, I would like to publicly thank...no, sorry, WHY WON'T YOU LET ME POLISH IN PEACE!". He was unavailable for further comment, presumably shaving his legs in order to find more things to polish.
Sebastian Coe has been quoted as saying; "This is good for our bid. We all know mass murder will bring in the crowds, which will bring in the money. And after all, isn't money for me what this Olympic bid was really about?" Coe has since refuted these claims, stating that "honesty and integrity" are the only things he wants to encourage at the games.
UnNews also found out that there were plans to run a sister competition, named Flame Tag. However, these were put on hold after temporal shifts in the time field during panel meetings.