UnNews:Rumsfeld to open boutique war-mongering firm
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
8 November 2006
WASHINGTON - Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as defense secretary on Wednesday, and announced his plans to open up a small, private boutique war-mongering firm of his own. The announcement comes one day after midterm elections in which glitches in electronic vote theft systems contributed to heavy Republican losses.
Bush lavished praise on Rumsfeld, who has spent six stormy years at his post, which included the storms Katrina and Lubertina. The president disclosed he met with Gates last Sunday, two days before the elections in which Democrats swept to control of the House and possibly the Senate, and possibly even the tables by the windows in the Senate cafeteria, where all of the cool legislators sit.
Last week, as he campaigned to save the Republican majority, Bush declared that Rumsfeld would remain at the Pentagon through the end of his term, whether he wanted to be there or not. Rumsfeld instead snuck off in the dead of night by climbing down a tree outside his bedroom window, after the Bushes were asleep.
Rumsfeld, 74, was in his second tour of duty as defense chief. He first held the job a generation ago, when he was appointed by President Ford. Since he has so much experience as defense chief, he expects his new freelance war business to be highly sought after by such clients as Israel, North Korea, Fiji, Pakistan, and Canada.