UnNews:Rumsfeld rebuffs Vice President's advances
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Rumsfeld rebuffs Vice President's advances
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 31, 2016, 00:21:UTC)(
3 June 2006
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WASHINGTON DC, US -- In a candid moment in front of members of the press, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was at once intrigued and repulsed by the suggestion of American Vice President Dick Cheney for a "quick bit of cottaging". American reporters were baffled, both by Rumsfeld's reaction, an uncharacteristic scowl, and as to what "cottaging" means. The Vice President expressed displeasure at the rejection, stating that "Donny just isn't as fun as he used to be."
Unimpressed with Cheney's awful pickup line, Rumsfeld continued into the White House and up to the Oval Office washroom. There he was propositioned by a demure Paris Hilton for a threesome with Cheney.
Spokesperson Terry Gilliam of the Pentagon spoke to an audience of barely-literate journalists at the Pentagram: "It is with deep regret and much sadness that I announce that we are losing the war... What? Oh, wrong statement, sorry... I'll restart. It is with much revulsion and complete repugnance that I announce that Donald Rumsfeld is no fairy. A three-way is an entirely different story."
The filthy Liberals were quick to criticise. Spokesman for Ted Kennedy, Democratic Senator from Massachusetts, Levi Livibolilowiczbaumsteingoldbergerson the 3'rd said, "Shalom, you bitches. The Senator has spoken out against the mixing of politics and pleasure with business in the past. What we see happening today is a growing cottage industry of politics here in Washington, and I, for one, won't have it!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|