UnNews:Rumsfeld Silences War Critics With Op-Ed Piece
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Rumsfeld Silences War Critics With Op-Ed Piece
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Sunday, February 14, 2016, 19:32:UTC)(
19 March 2006
Associated UnNews, Washington - With one masterful stroke, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defeated, silenced and shamed all American critics of the War in Iraq with his opinion piece in Sunday’s Washington Post. Rumsfeld, known for his bombastic, even curmudgeonly approach to criticism of the US war effort, stunned critics of the war with his lucid - at times brilliant - defense of America’s progress in Iraq, which by some polls has raised public support of the war close to 95%.
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
"Any fool can see that," added Mr. Travis, wiping away tears of patriotic joy as he waved a tiny American flag.
Rumsfeld’s article, which has been read in print and on-line by an estimated 170 million Americans since its publication, has finally put three long years of mounting casualties, unclear objectives and false justifications for the war in a proper, positive perspective.
"I can’t believe I actually ran away to Canada to avoid deploying to Iraq," said a stunned Jack MacNeil of Tahoma, Washington. "The Secretary of Defense has shown me the error of my ways with the genius of his writing."
"I’m headed back to Fort Hood to re-join my unit and face the music - as soon as my stash is kicked." said Mr.MacNeil as he extinguished his marijuana cigarette on a newly purchased ash tray depicting the face of deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
Now that Rumsfeld’s op-ed piece has demolished any and all opposition to the war, Americans from all walks of life could finally opine about their views on the war at their local church, bar, or gathering place without fears of getting into heated arguments. But not all Americans needed Rumsfeld’s article to change their minds.
"I’ve been supporting our troops from day one, so this is nothing new," shouted liquor store owner Dan Bartlett of Daytona, Florida, from the cab of his flag-bedecked Ford F-250 Supercab as he headed to a NASCAR event. "I kept saying we needed to fight those damned rag-head terrorists over there so they wouldn’t attack us over here, and Rummy backed me up all the way."
"U - S - A! U - S - A!" he chanted as he drove away, tossing empty cans of Natural Light out of his truck.
- Lem Sportsinterviews "The Washington Post: Dallas Cowboys Sign Terrell Owens". The Washington Post, March 19, 2006