UnNews:Rudolph under investigation by CAA

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Rudolph under investigation by CAA

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25 December 2015

Bad rudolph

Rudolph has been banned from flying until Chirstmas Eve 2016, and instructed to dry out and chill out, or face a compulsory two-week basket-weaving course.

WATFORD, England -- Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer has been found guilty of being drunk “air-side.” The reindeer-pilot has pleaded guilty at Watford magistrate’s court and been ordered to pay the CAA twenty nose-bags of hay, as well as being banned from flying for 364 days.

Captain Reindeer’s punishment is also for failing to reveal a medical condition, in this case, acute alcoholism. Doctors examining the pilot said his red nose, although glowing, was also swollen and pitted, indicating a heavy fortified-wine habit. He has been told to monitor his alcohol intake and behavior or be forced to attend rehab.

Suspicions were raised after a half-drunk bottle of Glühwein fell out of the reindeer’s harness pocket and his nose-bag was noted as full of dry-roasted peanuts, while on a fuel stop at Heathrow. Despite protests that it was to keep him warm on a cold night, the duty ground staff reported the incident to CAA representatives at the airport.

Reindeer was led away for an examination and an alcohol test, where the cargo pilot admitted to drinking three bottles of mulled wine, five bottles of whisky and fifteen pints of beer before departing Lapland International. He was still seven times over the limit on his arrival at Heathrow.

In wake of the arrest, employer Santa Claus made a statement: “Ho-hic-ho ho, safety is a top priority and all that, but at the end of the day, reindeer have different metabolisms then people. I’ve seen Rudolph go on a three-day bender and still manage to victory-roll a sleigh without dropping a single iPad. That takes skill and balls.

As a witness in court today, Santa Claus put up a robust defence, saying: “Heathrow’s actions are political. Certain persons at the airport did not get their Christmas presents due to bad behaviour through 2015, especially at Terminal 5 check-in. All we ask is for good behaviour throughout the year, a bit of autonomy and a lot of blind-eye on Christmas Eve. Rudolf likes a tipple — yes, in fact he likes to get completely slaughtered every lunchtime and fight everybody — but remember he also had a hard upbringing.

“Flying at 900 knots in winter is pretty tough going, and most people leave a brandy on the hearth to help us keep out the chill,” said Claus. “If the CAA wants that tradition to end, perhaps the tradition of including the UK in our annual present deliveries should end too. Remember, we are acutely aware of the lever you people use to control your children, far more effective than any piddling little country’s national law. Don’t mess with us or next Christmas is cancelled.”

The Judge acknowledged Mr Claus' defence but said that no one is above the law, even reindeer. However, as there is no official blood-alcohol limits for the species, he opted for the food fine and ban, on the proviso Mr The Red-Nosed Reindeer goes cold-turkey in 2016.

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