UnNews:Rudd set to "tick final box" for UN job

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Rudd set to "tick final box" for UN job

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7 April 2016


The besieged Mr Rudd.

SYDNEY, Australia -- Two-time prime minister of Australia and many-time self-promoter Kevin Rudd has hinted that a sex change might be the final "box" he has to "tick" to secure the top job at the United Nations. His schmoozing of everyone down to the doorman at the ONE UN New York Hotel has begun to falter, with Helen Clark, one-time prime minister of New Zealand, looking better by the day. Mr. Rudd is once again looking over his shoulder at a woman — even though she has already passed in front of him.

"It was bad enough getting booted out of the Lodge just because the Australian public, prize lot of halfwits that they are, didn't appreciate my brilliant leadership," he told a bristling thicket of imaginary microphones, "but that it was a woman — not even a hottie — taking advantage of all that gender-quota hogwash that I was kind enough to approve when I thought it wouldn't be used against me.

"All right, as Australia is too uncultured to have a decent prime minister, I generously offered my services to the world. What happens? The Kiwis tout another woman, again of that dismal ilk who can't make it in the eye-candy department. They probably don't even know where the United Nations is. Geographically speaking, I mean. The only course of action that I can envisage is gender reassignment. If it's 'no tits, no job,' well, that will not deter a real public servant like me. There comes a time in every great man's life when hard decisions must be made."

Mr./Ms. Rudd did not specify whether he/she plans a simple wardrobe change or an actual hospital visit to go under the hacksaw.

U.S. President Barack Obama may be in the hunt, as he has also been looking for a new way to show the world's bad guys how friendly and charitable its good guys can be, and to work his personal magic on a global level, but has come no closer to "ticking this box" than appearing at a baseball stadium in Mom Jeans and showing the nation that he throws like a girl.

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