UnNews:Rubber bullet futures good
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
28 January 2011
CAIRO, Egypt -- Rubber bullet stock futures pointed slightly higher Friday following the exciting news of riots throughout Egypt. Futures for the Meister Bullets Inc. rose 1973 points to 5731, while Fiocchi Munizioni futures rose 1138 points. Most other non-lethal weapon manufacturers' stocks also closed higher on Thursday. Most industry and stock experts expect another record-setting day tomorrow.
"Ultimately, you must consider the strength of the current Middle Eastern markets, especially Eygpt, over the last two days," said Paul Yalhain, head of spread betting firm Cairo Capital Spreads.
He continued, "Until the situation stops boiling and slows down to a simmer, we can only expect the stocks and the futures to continue to rise."
Bob Jones, a Wall Street insider, told us, "This will ultimately have far-reaching consequences on the price of oil, being that oil is a major part of rubber manufacturing. Look to oil stocks rising sometime next week."
First-quarter sales of rubber bullets have skyrocketed, thanks to the explosive situations in Eygpt and Tunisia, which has caused a lot of people to get in on the action. Famed Fox News personality, Glenn Beck, has encouraged people to invest in non-lethal weapon stocks. Advertisements during Beck's show, which were primarily related to gold investment have recently become aimed more-often towards investing in and purchasing from Hasbro, most-notably its NERF branch.
Egyptian President Mubarak echoed Beck's sentiments when he encouraged Egyptians to "Buy bullets!"
He later added, "Oh, and please stop rioting against my regime."
The average Egyptian citizen has mixed feelings on the rising stocks. While many Egyptian citizens seem highly eager to invest, some aren't so sure. One Anti-Mubarak protester and resident of Cairo, Abasi (who would only give his first name), was asked about his investment strategy, but can only quoted simply as saying "Don't taze me bro."
TASER International, manufacturer of the TASER non-lethal device, are expecting to have a record-breaking first quarter. Sales of their TAZE-9000 model rose 167% this week, as the Egyptian riot police have been utilizing them quell riots throughout the country.
Meanwhile, Dow Chemicals, the biggest supplier of tear gas chemicals, has overtaken Wal-Mart as the world's most valuable company. However, sources at Wal-Mart indicate the retail giant will not play second fiddle to anyone and will begin marketing an anti-personnel spray. It will appear soon in most stores and can be found on the "as seen on TV" aisle.