Royals dodge a bullet

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19 September 2014


Members of Parliament had rolled the torture rack out, after centuries of disuse, just in case.

HOLYROOD, Scotland -- The failure of the Scottish independence vote assured a relieved United Kingdom that it will remain free to work the usual intractable problems rather than confront an entirely new set.

The referendum — whose text was, simply, 'Do you fancy going it alone?' — promised that Parliament would grant Scotland its independence, on an unspecified future date, unless problems were to arise in working out the details. Prime Minister David Cameron promised, however, that if Scots voted No, he would press forward with the same thing anyway. He had urged Scots not to vote for independence merely to signal how loathsome they think he and his Conservative Party are.

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Implications of Scottish independence laid bare

The referendum had prompted international concern, as a Yes vote would have nullified every contract, and most friendships, made between Scots and Englishmen. In addition, England would have had to find a new chump to host its nuclear arsenal and several wide motorways would have had to be gotten to lead somewhere else.

A majority rejected Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond's impassioned plea to launch a turmoil-laden new state, choosing instead the security of continuing turmoil within the United Kingdom. In fact, Salmond was so unable to sway his home of Aberdeen that many advised him to emigrate, to a country where mighty politicians such as Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, and Al Gore fail to carry their home districts, and the opposition is paralysed to be thought of as the 'Party of No.'

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Duchess gets pregnant to save the marriage

'We have chosen unity over division,' Alistair Darling, head of the No campaign, said in Glasgow, which did not. Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown, a Scot, was wheeled back out for a dramatic barnstorming campaign with an inspired vision of union. 'There is not a cemetery in Europe that does not have Scots, English, Welsh and Irish lined side by side,' he said. His 'Come Die With Me' message resonated throughout Scotland. The Duchess even agreed to get pregnant to remind Scots how heart-warming it is to see their taxes support indolent layabouts in Royal Berkshire rather than layabouts in Edinburgh and Glasgow.

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