UnNews:Royal family in crisis over alleged misuse of funds

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The Prince of Wales, seen here buying the ageing King of Spain a drink yesterday. Is another abdication planned?

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4 July 2013
CLARENCE HOUSE, London, England -- Questions have been raised in Parliament today, after it was revealed this morning by the Big Issue that, for the fourth year in a row, public expenditure on Prince Charles has risen. It was alleged by the street newspaper's undercover journalists, however, that some of this increase in funds may be due to the Prince's giving of "bribes" to foreign heads of state.

The Big Issue claims to have sent a journalist undercover for three months as a butler in the Royal Household, during which he was asked to perform a number of duties. These included ironing the Prince's newspapers, darning his socks, facilitating the Prince's acts of onanism when necessary and, he claims, arranging for bribes to be given to a number of influential European leaders.

UnNews has analysed the notes of the Big Issue journalist (who has asked to remain anonymous), and we have noticed that each supposed transfer of money coincided with their retirement or abdication exactly three days later. At this moment we are not sure of the extent of the practice, but we believe that the recent abdications of both the Queen of Holland and the King of Belgium may be linked, as is the retirement of Pope Benedict XVI. Other Palace sources suggest many other public figures at home may have been influenced in such a way.

The Prince's motivation remains very much unclear, however, the Big Issue did report that every time news of the retirement of a public figure is broadcast Charles always mentions to his mother that they're doing the honourable thing, and that he wished more people were like them. Reportedly, the Queen "never takes the hint".

If these allegations are substantiated, the Royal family could face serious consequences. It is believed a sanction in the form of lowering next year's funding is being considered. Currently the Royal family receive 15% of the income from Crown properties, but debate is ongoing as to whether this should be lowered. Said one government minister: "Taxpayers' money isn't meant to be put to such a base and trivial cause as securing the retirement of foreign Kings. The money we give to the Royals is for useful reasons only, for example... you know... bunting... and that." His Most Serene Majesty King Albert II of the Belgians had declined to comment, but his son, Crown Prince Hercule-Poirot VII, did say "Well, I mean, me and Charles, we're best of friends, you know. I'm sure I'll be able to return the favour soon enough."

The Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband, has called for a full public inquiry, which will most likely take place in early September. The investigation continues.


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