UnNews:Rove: "Please stop criticizing the Government"
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Rove: "Please stop criticizing the Government"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 23, 2017, 05:22:UTC)(
WASHINGTON – Presidential advisor Karl Rove delivered a short speech in the White House Press Room this Friday, discussing the public’s reaction to recent government performance. “Please stop criticizing the government,” Rove pleaded dejectedly. “We know there is plenty to criticize, what with two hurricane screw-ups, an unpopular war, widespread political corruption, and even alleged treason on my part, but still… you’re really hurting our feelings.”
Rove went on to lament how difficult damage control is when his party is so rife with scandal. “Back in the old days, I thought that being one of the President’s most important handlers would be a difficult enough job. I figured that all the hard work would make me feel like a better person. But all these criticisms from all sides… it’s really hurting our self-esteem, guys. Our self-image is terrible.”
Political pundits admit that the Republicans are having a major self-esteem issue. “After Bush won the election, the G.O.P. was feeling like a bunch of very special guys,” said psychologist Russel Phillips. “Self-confidence and self-image levels were absolutely super. But lately there has been such a lack of positive reinforcement and constructive criticism that I fear the Republicans may be losing belief in themselves. I blame the constant nagging of the American people for this loss of morale.”
Rove said as much in his address. “I understand that every citizen has a Constitutional right to free speech and the redress of grievances,” he said, “but seriously, folks... we have needs, too. How do you think it makes us feel when millions of people are constantly criticizing us? Enough with all this ‘such-and-such was mishandled', 'so-and-so is unqualified', 'this-and-that was treasonous’ nonsense. Why don’t you give us some praise once in a while? It’s not that hard.”
In response to Rove’s comments, talks are underway to introduce self-esteem-improvement legislation in Congress. The bill, tentatively titled "The National Government is Super Duper Bill", will allocate millions of stickers to G.O.P. offices around the country. Although the details have not been worked out, it is rumored that the stickers will carry inspirational messages such as “You’re a Star!”, “Way to Go!”, and “You’re a Very Special Government Employee!” Possible riders include provisions to hire motivational speakers and guidance counselors to boost the morale of the embattled Republican majority.
“These actions are important to the health of the nation,” President Bush affirmed Saturday. “Sometimes, when I see those danged political cartoons makin’ fun of me, I get really down in the dumps. But my new shipment of gold stars will make all those bad feelings go away. I’m a special guy! Hooray for self-esteem!”