UnNews:Rosie O'Donnell adopts mentally retarded Danny DeVito

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10 December 2006

Dumbass DeVito

DeVito, dumb, not numb, confesses that he's "too stupid" even to know whether he'd slept the night before appearing on The View

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Rosie O’Donnell legally adopted Danny DeVito after the pint-size actor confessed that he is mentally retarded during a recent guest appearance on The View.

In an embarrassing incident, while promoting his latest movie, I‘m a Moron, 62-year-old DeVito stuttered, stammered, smacked himself across the cheek--both cheeks, actually--and flipped himself under the chin, Three Stooges style, while making moronic faces. “I thought the poor bastard was having some sort of seizure,” the show's creator, Barbara Walters admitted.

DeVito also explained how he’d had sex with his wife, Rhea Perlman, during a White House visit when Bill Clinton was president. “I turned her inside-out! I turned her every which way but loose,” the tiny star boasted. “I had her coming and going, backward and forward. We used every inch of the Lincoln Bedroom."

“Could we talk about your movie?“ Walters asked icily. Her body language made it clear to the show’s viewers that she was not happy with the behavior of the show’s guest. Her legs were crossed away from him, and she leaned in the opposite direction from DeVito, who sat beside her. “What he did was worse than Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch,” Walters contended.

Initially, DeVito’s handlers tried to spin the incident by stating that the actor was drunk and was attempting to impersonate President George W. Bush. However, the actor later admitted that he “has a problem with low intelligence.”

At first, reading haltingly from a prepared statement and sounding intoxicated, DeVito explained his behavior by blaming first alcohol and then a fellow actor:

I want to apolo--say I am sorry--for my beaver--my actions--on The View. I was drunk. I stayed out late the night before. Drinking. With George Clooney. It’s all his fault, really. I’m a midget, so I can’t drink much. Two drinks, and I’m plastered. Then, I was tired, too. I stayed up past my bedtime. So I was groggy on the show. I regret my beaver--my actions. I told The View ladies I am sorry. I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me.

The View’s four hostesses were a party to the attempted deception. The day after DeVito's appearance, co-host Joy Behar said he’d been "drunk as a skunk,” and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, another co-host, added, "He was a fun drunk."

Walters and her co-stars were gracious in accepting DeVito’s apology. DeVito invited Walters to go bar-hopping with him and Clooney the next time they paint the town red. “We can get sloppy drunk,” he suggested, adding, with a wink, “Who knows, Babs, maybe, afterward, you’ll get lucky.”

However, a few days later, DeVito telephoned Walters to admit that he is mentally retarded. “I’m a re-tard,” he confessed, “with an I. Q. of 57 on the Richter scale.” Walters giggled, thinking that DeVito was “being funny,” until the actor’s handlers confirmed that he really is “mentally handicapped.” Much of DeVito’s success as a comic actor derives from his mental retardation.

"He’s so stupid he’s funny,” DeVito’s late mother once observed: “He’s always been the life of the party, never knowing which end is up or what he’s doing. Raising a mentally challenged son wasn’t easy,” she said, “but it was hilarious; I’d laugh so hard at his antics that I’d pee my pants. I knew he’d be a natural in Hollywood.”

After DeVito’s confession, Walters invited him to appear again on The View, and he did, performing what the show’s stars contend was “another imitation of the president,” this time jumping up and down on the couch and urinating on the hostesses. Again, Walters looked miffed, but co-star Rosie O’Donnell, who, as a lesbian, knows what it’s like to be “different,“ held the actor on her lap, cooed to him as a mother coos to a child, patted his knee, and agreed to adopt him.

“I've always wanted a lap dog, and he needs a mom,” O'Donnell said, “and, with me and my wife, he’ll have two mothers. We’ll smother him in motherly love--and, no, that’s not a reference to my size."

DeVito, overjoyed to hear that, at his age, he’d be getting not a second, but a second and a third mother, became “overly excited,” O’Donnell said, “and wet himself--on me.” She and her wife, she said, will have to potty train DeVito, “but that should be fun.”

Looking into the camera and making a stern face, she wagged her finger at the delighted DeVito as he leaned against his new mom’s more-than-ample bosom, sucking his thumb. “There will be no more late nights out with that Clooney creep,” she told him.

DeVito beamed.

“By the way,” O’Donnell said, “I’m not leaving The View.”

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