UnNews:Ronaldo "Sorry" and "Ashamed about encounter with 13 year old boys at Chuckie Cheeze
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Ronaldo "Sorry" and "Ashamed about encounter with 13 year old boys at Chuckie Cheeze
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 00:56 (UTC)
5 May 2008
SAO PAULO, BRAZIL -- 4 months ago Ronaldo scored a goal against the enemy team, The British, The British Team was very upset, So in the Last period, British Goaltender Ran across the field and Kicked him in the Knee, Ronaldo was rushed to Hospital while the Goaltender was rewarded by his team-mates. Ronaldo's Coach said "We're giving him a few months to recover, So y'know we can train the other players to be ontop of there game and not just let Ronaldo do all the scorin'." 12 minutes are Ronaldo Sign his leave Papers, all Players on the Brazillian/USSR 2.0 Team were killed in a tragic car accident, and the team had to forfeit.
3 Weeks after the injury Ronaldo left hospital with a Brand new knee Supplied by his Step-Brother, Ronaldo Mcdonaldo (Not to be confused with Senero Ronald Mcdonald) He had 3 months to spare, So he travelled to Florida to visit his Step-Half Sister 5 times removed in law. She was not home so Ronald explored the States, When he fell in among the neverland ranch, He walked into talk with The Owner of the household and wasn't heard from for 1 month.
After One month had Passed Ronaldo had taken a totally different Shape, his skin was smooth, He wore alot of Pink and he was 98% plastic, According to Anonymous Jews, he went back home and started to hang outside the Chuckie Cheeze. After 9 days of lounging on the Outside Electric Pony ride, A young 13 year old boy said "What are you doing here?" "Hey you like Candy?" "Heck yes I do! and so do all my friends!" So they went onto Ronaldo's Magical mystery bus to get some Candy.
Ronaldo Denies Having had Sexual relations with the thirteen year-olds, although many scientists say D and A on the boy's clothes say differently.
Ronaldo also Denies knowing that the boys were 13, Louis Black Commented on Ronaldo's Denial saying "I don't think he's lying, Nope. Not a Bit. I bet he thought they were TEN YEARS OLD!"
Ronaldo tried to convince all 18 boys to keep the Media off him, Ronaldo Offered $20 and an XXL bag of M&M's. They refused. After numerous attempts, The Media got hold of the story. The Makers of The Dog Dies at the end. plan on making another movie like it called I Lost my innocence to Ronaldo!! Each child made about 2.93 Million off the Movie Contract, and another 1.17 each from the lawsuit against Ronaldo.
Un-News was lucky enough to Score an interview with one of the Children.
Un-News: So, How did it feel?
Child: What do you mean?
Un-News: Well you got raped, How did it feel?
Child: Like a Snake came up...
Un-News: Okay... Like a Snake, I'll remember that one.
Child: I feel uncomfortable.
Un-News: Would you do it again?
Child: What do you mean?
Un-News: Oh Great, we had to get the Retarded Deaf kid in here.
Child: Exuse me!?
Un-News: Like Seriously, you slept with an athlete, Are you going to call him?!
Child: What?! No! Nasty!
Un-News: Come on, Just once? For a Booty Call? You've Checked him out once before, I can tell.
Child: Stop! Your Starting to sound like my Gym Teacher!
Un-News: Gym Teacher? So this isn't your first time taking it up the Hooch?
Child: No... Gym Teacher, Police Officer, I ran out of money at Macs so I blew off the Cashier."
Un-News: Stunning. Alright that's all we have time for.
In Related News, A Victim of this crime was violated again By a former Un-News Employee.
- Simon Bruty "[ Ronaldo 'sorry' about encounter with cross-dressing prostitutes]". CNN, May 05, 2008