UnNews:Ronald McDonald goes on the lam

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Ronald McDonald goes on the lam

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12 October 2016


The iconic McDonald's front man has closeted himself in secrecy for the duration of the "creepy clowns" crisis. However, it is unclear how many pre-teens he has with him in the closet.

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Besieged by the "creepy clowns" crisis that threatens to put a damper not only on Hallowe'en but on the American federal election, McDonald's Corporation prudently directed its face-painted impresario to "lay [sic] low" during the "current climate."

The chain didn’t say how many appearances the clown will make, but said it was being "thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events." A press release said Mr. McDonald will take care to be fully clothed at all times, avoid bringing handguns to celebrations or referring to "bitches" and "niggas," and decline to initiate food fights or anything else that some might regard as a scary "prank." The only misbehavior Mr. McDonald will indulge in is serving food items crammed with grease and sugar.

A prime competitor of McDonald's, Jack-in-the-Box Hamburgers, has converted all its outlets into Christian Science Reading Rooms until the craze blows over.

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The "creepy clown" craze has overtaken the nation. Though the vast majority of creepy clown reports have been hoaxes, some have been more serious:

  • In Amarillo, Texas on October 5, one David Anthony Talbot-Smith, 21, dressed up like a clown and harassed customers at a Walmart. Police discovered he had two outstanding warrants. They thought his clown suit was pretty outstanding too.
  • In Detroit, Todd Raymond Keith, 37, wore a clown mask to rob banks and hotels. The FBI, which is offering a reward, is stymied by the fact that it is not illegal to wear a clown mask. Nor to destroy thousands of emails that are under subpoena, apparently.
  • In Portland, Oregon, a 55-year-old grandfather, name not disclosed pending notification of someone who will admit to being a next-of-kin, wore a clown mask and boxing gloves, threatened an assistant principal and terrorized children at Floyd Light Middle School.

Sociology professor Dustin Kidd, an adjunct at the Kidd School of Comedy, initially thought that the creepy clown craze was a mere blip on the communal radar, but events, and the uncanny coordination of clown pranks, have proven him wrong. "This is a Perfect Storm," he said, "a phenomenon that blends modern Horror Fiction with the brevity of Twitter" (which will be especially brief if someone willing to buy the corporation doesn't emerge soon). "It is as inscrutable as Donald Trump, but at the same time as untrustworthy as Hillary Clinton — and the mask makes it as secretive as both of them."

"In retrospect, I think this might be a big deal," the professor said, an ideal subject for a new book or a federal grant for a scientific study.

However, Pam Moody, president of the World Clown Association, says the trend frustrates professional clowns. At a Clown Lives Matter march Saturday in Tucson, Arizona, activists plan to wear clown suits to "raise awareness" that clowns are not Psycho Killers, mostly. Counselors are on hand in case counter-activists show up and chant that they are demeaning the #BlackLivesMatter movement and must be racists.

Paul Ryan, leader of the Clown Caucus in the U.S. House of Representatives, likewise believes that clowning is just good fun. Last year, he greased the skids for a FY2016 federal budget with all of Barack Obama's pet projects, promising that "surrender now clears the deck for victory later." But last week, Congress had the chance to dare Mr. Obama to sign a Continuing Resolution or shut down the government, or at least the Washington Monument. Sure enough, when Mr. Ryan pulled the trigger, there was no loud noise. Instead, a streamer shot out with the legend, "Bang! You're Dead!"

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