UnNews:Ron Paul dabbles in new hobby

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17 November 2012

RonPaulstiltskin
Creating gold is as easy as saying "RonPaulstiltskin".

GOLDLOVE, Texas -- Following his official retirement from Congress on Wednesday after decades of service, Texas Republican and libertarian icon Dr. Ron Paul says he plans to spend the rest of his "golden years" pursuing his true love: Alchemy.

Speaking to the Ludwig von Mises Institute, he explained his dabbling with the popular Medieval magic get-rich-quick scheme. "My doctorate is in medicine, so I understand the science of chemistry like the back of my hand. I believe that alchemy is not only a fun way to piss away a Saturday afternoon, but an art that could solve all our economic woes. At the very least, it matches, if not exceeds, the scientific integrity of the Austrian School of Economics."

Dr. Paul then gave a PowerPoint presentation explaining that if we could simply turn metals and other substances into gold, we could convert all our money into gold coins and eliminate the need for paper money. Hence, the Federal Reserve Bank and redistribution of wealth would become unnecessary. He went on to say, "I got the idea in a debate when some Keynesian over returning to the gold standard. He told me that there isn't enough gold in the world in which to back up the amount of money in use. Like a bolt of lightening, it hit me: We simply need more gold! Not just more, infinite! Infinity gold! A Midas touch made reality! GOOOLD!!"

While Paul noted his reservations that replacing the Fed's ability to create paper money out of thin air with an individual's ability to create gold out of ordinary matter might be "a distinction without a difference candy-dipped in redundancy", or some other crazy old man analogy, he assured everyone that an infinite amount of golden alternative currencies in the hands of the common man is more practical than centralized economic planning.

"I'm not denying that this has the potential to create the worst inflation the world has ever seen and absolutely destroy the American economy - in the short run. In the long run, however, we can use this chemical transmutative science to tackle scarcity, thus balancing out the excess money by creating an abundance of supply, thus lowering the price of all goods, until, one day, everything is free. Imagine creating food out of nothing. Only Christ himself has been able to accomplish this. Well, we're now tailgating his hippie Jew hiney, because we'll soon be richer and more powerful than God!"

Ron Paul summed up his presentation with, "Let us honor the legacy of Barry Goldwater by turning water into gold. From now on, we'll all be taking golden showers!"

An amalgamation of alchemy, Austrian School, Chicago School, supply-side and utopian post-scarcity economics. Truly the mark of a genius. Or a mad man. Probably both. Much more so the latter. Either way, you can buy your own Dr. Ron Paul alchemy kit at the Libertarian Party's online store, next to the autographed Rand Paul Aqua Buddha bongs.

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