Romney unveils primary gambit

Straight talk, from straight faces

UnNews Logo Potato
Saturday, July 21, 2018, 13:03:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

4 March 2016

Megyn Kelly

Thursday's Republican Party debate in Detroit reunited Trump with his Fox News nemesis, Megyn Kelly (pictured). Happily, Trump did not discuss Kelly's menstrual period but rather the size of his own penis.

WOLFEBORO, New Hampshire -- Mitt Romney has finally broken his silence since his 2012 decision to be a nice guy rather than defeat Barack Obama, with a speech indicating how Republican Party primary voters can derail the campaign of Donald Trump rather than defeat Hillary Clinton.

After describing Trump as "a phony and a fraud," Romney outlined a strategy for voters. He said that voters in North Carolina, Ohio, and Florida — three states with winner-take-all elections next week where another candidate could conceivably knock off Trump — should all agree to vote for a candidate they do not want. This would deny Trump a majority on the Nominating Convention's first ballot and send the decision into the smoke-filled cloakrooms at the Republican National Committee. Romney said that those voters would succeed at getting a candidate they do not want, as the rest of the nation would too.


Like the lawn signs say, "Tough. Tested. Ready." Best of all, nobody wants him.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus [sic] assured the nation the RNC could hand-pick a candidate as skillfully as it had hand-picked a debate moderator (right) who would not argue with the candidates, set them at each other's throats, devise videos and spreadsheets to trap them, and spit their own words back at them. The RNC has set up #NeverTrump, where it hopes millions of voters will declare they would "rather eat dirt" than vote for the candidate they prefer.

Republicans were pleased to see Romney return to the public forum, in what Associated Press described as "an extraordinary display of Republican chaos." Romney was joined in the vague vendetta by 2008 loser John McCain, who first told the nation that Obama was a "nice guy" who would probably make a "fine President" if McCain's aides would just stop mentioning Obama's middle name. Both Romney and McCain berated Trump as an "unfit" candidate, though neither ever said anything nearly as scathing about Obama himself, even when trying to defeat him, and Romney did not call Trump "unfit" during his pilgrimage to the Trump Casino to get Trump's endorsement in 2012. Both men charged that Trump was "playing the American public for suckers," evidently confident that memories had faded.

Sources Edit