UnNews:Romney in denial over election loss, updates official homepage
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11 November 2012
BOSTON, Massachussetts -- The votes are cast. The polls are closed. The verdict is in. But defeated Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney is not convinced. He insists that the media refer to him as "President-Elect Romney." He has been spotted thanking Americans for supporting him and making his "victory" possible.
"He's in total denial," says newly re-elected Vice President Joe Biden. "Just yesterday, he gave President Obama and I the classifieds section of several newspapers and told us that McDonald's has a few openings." Obama was unavailable for comment.
Romney even took his delusion to the internet when his transition website went live immediately after Obama was announced as the winner. The newly relaunched website contains inspirational quotes from "President-Elect Romney" and a campaign slogan. Pictured is Romney standing in front of an American flag.
The Mormon reportedly "cried like a little girl" when he found out he had lost and headed straight for a bottle of Jack Daniels. Even more painful and embarrassing was his defeat in his home state of Massachussetts. "He was very depressed," says rock legend and Republican nutcase Ted Nugent. "I've never seen a Republican cry like that since Nixon resigned. Or when Carter beat Ford. Mitt was crying so much and going so hyserical, that he made Spongebob look like Obama!" Nugent was referring to Obama crying as he thanked his campaign workers, vs. Spongebob's typically over-the-top crying. When asked why he thought he had been defeated, he screamed "Beacause i am a fucking MORON... no wait a fucking MORMON!!!!"
In an eery coincidence, Obama's "defeat" website accidentally went up before being taken down two hours later. It consisted solely of a long and detailed angry letter to Americans for "voting that clown into office."