Romney admits to creating recent Macintosh virus
Where man always bites dog
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 19:42:UTC)(
7 April 2012
and still current!
SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Mitt Romney has admitted that he is responsible for creating the computer virus that has already infected 500,000 or so Mac OS X computers worldwide in a press conference last night. "I'm very sorry. I didn't intended for the virus to spread so fast," he told MSNBC correspondent Jeanette Walls.
The virus was disguised as an Adobe Flash installation wizard written in Engrish, the native language of Texas. And as we all know, Mitt Romney speaks very good Engrish. The fake program also contains a shitload of bugs: it doesn't enable the Install button even after you check the box of doom. Now that's something that only Adobe knows how to do with its software. Seriously.
- Update - 8/04/2012
- The FlashBack virus has since affected more Macintosh users, including UnNews correspondent PuppyOnTheRadio and senior correspondent Zombiebaron. "Ugh!" Puppy told UnNews. "You're not supposed to get a Blue Screen of Death on Mac. Well look at this screen here," he adds, pointing to the infamous blue-screen on his monitor.
- Update 2 - 8/04/2012
- The FlashBack virus has by now affected 1.2 million computers, spreading even faster than before. The Federation of Atomic Scientists has moved the Doomsday Clock to 3.14 minutes before midnight, on the grounds that World War III may actually arise from electronic warfare rather than nuclear war. "Virus is the new nucular," says former president George Bush on this matter. "And I'd be happy to get back into
officeorifice so that I can add some spice to this countdown. Happy New Year!"
But others aren't convinced that he's actually sorry. President Obama told UnNews correspondent Cute Zekrom, "We've seen large scale attacks on personal computers before. What people aren't getting is that their computers aren't completely impervious to viruses, contrary to what Apple Inc. has tried to say." Like when Stuxnet, an Israel-based megavirus, helped blow up a nuclear arms facility in Iran.
Romney still isn't sure what the long-term repercussions of creating the virus are. "People want Flash," he says. "So they'll get Flash. It's my duty as the 45th President of the United States to get people exactly what they want."
- Nicole Perlroth "Widespread Virus Proves Macs Are No Longer Safe From Hackers". The New York Times, April 6, 2012
- Mary Grace Gabriel "Mac OS X Threat Disguises as Adobe Flash Player Installer". Total Defense.com, September 28, 2011
In case you're dumb.
- Impervious (adj) – not able to be penetrated. "Her c**t was impervious to penetrations by my penis."
- Installation wizard (n) – an application that guides you through installing another application, which guides you through installing another application, which guides you through installing another application.
- Repercussions (n) – consequences of what somebody did.