UnNews:Romanian skull suggests link between gay men and Neanderthals
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!|
16 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
PESTERA CU OASE, ROMANIA - A 3,500-year-old skull found in a Romania cave shares features of both modern homosexual men and Neanderthals, which suggests that the two species may have interbred for centuries.
Until recently, scientists believed that Neanderthals were replaced by modern human beings. They believed that it was unlikely that the two groups of sub-humans intermixed, and the last traces of the Neanderthals vanished approximately 24,000 years ago. However, the discovery of the Pestera cu Oase skull has caused scientists to reconsider these theories, and many now conclude that the two groups did interbreed, Neanderthals giving rise, so to speak, not to human beings per se but to homosexual men.
Heterosexual men and women, by contrast, it is now believed, are derived from interbreeding between more advanced Cro-Magnons and early human beings. Therefore, homosexual males and the rest of humanity, including lesbians, are believed to be of entirely different species. “That’s why homosexual men tend to be sterile,” Myer Madison, an anthropologist at Georgetown University in Washington, D. C. explains.
Erik Trinkaus of Washington University in St. Louis, MO, discusses the “missing link” between Neanderthals and homosexual men in a paper that was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science. The skull looks like the type that is characteristic of the facial structure that accompanies the male body type that gays refer to as belonging to “twinks” (short for Twinkies, the golden-brown, crème-filled snack cake). The bony ridge above the eyes is less pronounced, the cheekbones are higher, the eye sockets are larger and more nearly round, and, in general, the heft and density of the bone is more delicate that of most other male skulls. In addition, the oral cavity is larger, “suggesting a facility for fellatio,” according to Trinkaus. In addition, traces of DNA from both Neanderthal and modern human beings was found inside the interior of the skull, which resulted, Trinkaus believes, from semen deposits.
The skull and the DNA were carbon dated and have been determined to be approximately 3,500 years old. “Homosexuals--or their prototypes--really have been with us from the beginning, and even from before the beginning, of recorded history,” Trinkaus concludes.
Scientists are hopeful that they may find an entire skeleton in one of the caves. “A whole skeleton could tell us much more about homosexuals,” Trinkaus explains. “For example, calcium deposits on their kneecaps would indicate that they spent a lot of time kneeling, either at prayer or in some other type of worship, and we could tell by the relative bone density and by stress fractures which of various sexual positions were most favored by them.”
Scientists theorize that inbreeding among Neanderthals and gays led to genetic mutations that, over centuries, resulted in the peculiar, identifying characteristics of modern gays, such as lisps, limp wrists, an exaggerated swiveling of the hips, heightened erogenous zones, and a preference for non-reproductive sexual activities with same-sex partners.
“These are the signs of homosexuality,” Trinkaus contends in his paper, “that gay men perceive, subconsciously, in their fellows, attributing these subconscious perceptions to an innate sensory apparatus that they call ‘gay radar.’ Such a radar, as it were, really seems to exist, albeit as a genetic ability resulting from centuries of inbreeding.”
Gay groups are outraged by Trinkaus’ conclusions. Peter E. Derr, a spokesman for the Gay Defamation League, said, “According to his so-called theories, which are really nothing more than homophobic lies, gay men are subhuman and of a different species altogether than straight men and women. As if that’s not bad enough, they further insult the gay community by locating the cave in which they claim to have found this alleged skull in Romania, the land of gypsies, so they can contend that we’re not only primitive subhumans by also vagabonds. It’s outrageous!”
“It’s science,” Trinkaus disagreed.
Barbara Walters said, “That poor, pitiful subhuman species.”
There was no comment from Donald Trump.