UnNews:Roman Empire considers regulation of barbarian armies
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
28 November 2012
ROME, Roman Empire. The senates at Rome and Constantinople are debating an option before the two emperors of the Roman world to regulate the barbarian armies inside its borders which some have argued are too powerful and whose self-regualtion has failed to prevent "massive abuses" as barbarian kings argue that they have "learned their lesson" and that "government regulation" of "free barbarians" would be a greater threat to liberty and, indeed, the Roman Empire itself.
An investigation, by Senator Levensonii, has heard evidence from various Roman businesspeople and citizens whose towns have been "sacked" and "pillaged" by barbarian armies which, they argue, Roman law has failed to protect them from. They have also heard claims that some barbarian kings are far too close to the "weak" Western emperors who feel they need to take their counsel when drawing-up laws and legislation as they feel threatened by the presence of hundreds of armed soldiers in their lands.
However, King Mordok of the Ausii barbarian nation has rejected such "state regulation" of his kingdom. "A free movement of armed peoples is a great tradition of European civilisation" he argued from atop his golden throne. "This idea that we somehow control the Western emperors is pure propaganda, largely coming from the metropolitan Greeks of Constantinople who simply want their to impose their Oriental ideas on free Latin peoples in the West. We barbarians understand that terrible things have happened in the past, but rest assured we are tightening-up the laws by which we govern ourselves and the peoples of the Roman Empire, East and West, have nothing to fear from barbarian nations. Roman law as it stands is fine, there's no need for Rome and Constantinople to regulate us and disperse our armies, if there is real trouble well, that's what the Roman Army is for. Once we let the Roman State have these powers before you know it we will be little better than the likes of the Persian Empire." When it was put to him that as subjects of King Mordok, his barbarians probably had little freedom and simply did his bidding he stated "My nation is a private nation and can do what it likes." although he coughed and followed this up with "Although, of course, if your village does get sacked I'll make sure you have full recourse to take it to the Council of Barbarians and we'll decide whether we've broken the Barbarian Code we're drawing up and ought to fine ourselves."
Senator Levensonii is due to report his conclusions soon, he noted that citizens of the Roman Empire are "deeply concerned" about barbarian attacks. "This is a once in a generation opportunity to deal with abuse by uncontrolled barbarian armies" said a Senator who supports regulating and disarming barbarians, "Seriously, who thinks the barbarian kings will do anything that's not in their own interests or that they give a damn about Roman citiziens? I hope the emperors make the correct decision, although they're so weak these days, especially in the West, you can't be sure."
- Iani Journalius "Roman emperors consider regulation of barbarian armies". Europa Newsii, November 28, 2012