UnNews:Rogue Petrol Discovered to have Links to Bush Administration!
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Rogue Petrol Discovered to have Links to Bush Administration!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 06:00 (UTC)
2 March 2007
London Village- UK Recent investigations into the shocking phenomenon of rogue petrol- which has been turning up over the United Kingdom- has lead to the discovery that the Anarchistic fuel has financial links to the Bush administration- Washington D.C.
Scientists examining samples of the rebel petroleum spirit were able to identify traces of Whitehouse Dollars contained in the HydroCarbon molecules through the use of a "well powerful innnit!" electron microscope. The Whitehouse dollars which were firmly attached between the 18th and 19th carbon (from the left) are believed by Professor H. J. R. W. P. P. P. .. Quigly to be "liable to cause discontent".
Professor H. J. R. W. P. P. P. .. Quigly went on to say, in his statement to the relevant authorities- the village council of East Hadley- that he strongly suspected "introducing such large amounts of hard currency to any fuel would inevitably lead to dissention and rebellion with a strong risk of guerrilla action."
Experts in subversive warfare believe that the intention of the Bush Admin department was to create fear of the British fuels by the British public thus increasing demand for the currently unpopular "dirty American crap they call Gas".
Advisors to the East Hadley village council recommended taking no further action as "clearly the whole tactic of guerrilla petrol is pointless... it can only lead to the Japanese seizing the opportunity to sell their new generation of "notactuallypetrol" cars to Britain. Most likely with the tagline:
"Don’t worry- your fuel won’t have an AK-47 in it"
To date there have been 56 million cars in the UK affected by the introduction of Whitehouse Dollars to the fuel. Some observers have noted that the fuel should be researched for its ability to create more cars than currently exist such comments have been dismissed as cynical.
Typical affects of the Rogue fuel have included:
- Cars behaving more stupidly than usual
- Cars refusing to go round corners
- A reduction of performance based on engine size (inversely proportional- with larger engined cars actually refusing to move at all)
- An overall increase in engine size
- Mysterious appearances of redneck slogans on the bumpers of cars
- In some cases engine noises have appeared to sound the words "George Walter Bush for World Emperor
Citizens are advised that the best way of dealing with an infected car is to throw it away and purchase something from Germany or Japan "cos it will be good innit". Alternative- yet unconfirmed- methods of controlling the influence of rebel fuel include buying stick-on modifications from Halfords which are known to reduce American influence by inducing the engine to sound like "innit" and subtly change the bodywork to a tasteful Burberry check.
In other news: President George W Bush has just completed an I.Q test, the results show that he can finally be classed as having "human intellect"-or so they say
- "Fouled fuel: tests reveal rogue ingredient". [[wikipedia:|]], March 02, 2007