UnNews:Rod Stewart found Guilty of Murder
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Rod Stewart found Guilty of Murder
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 29, 2016, 09:55:UTC)(
14 April 2009
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA -- Hollywood and the entirety of the United States is in a state of shock as legendary musical artist Rod Stewart has been found Guilty in the Murder of Actress Lana Clarkson. After just 15 seconds (a new record for the state of California) of Jury-Deliberation, the verdict came back in unanimously, as they often do, to the tune of cold-blooded homicide. In fact, it seemed that the jury had already made up it's mind before the closing arguments and conclusion of the trial, as many courtroom spectators state they would at times yell out things like "You killer!", "Why'd you do it?", and "Blondes Have More Fun sucked!". It seemed Mr. Stewart was doomed from the begenning, indeed, this time, no one thought he was "sexy".
When the jury was asked why it took so long to reach a verdict when it seemed all through out the trial they were against Stewart, Juror #2 answered "Oh, someone had to take a piss. And we figured it'd be more suspensful if we walked out in slow-mo, while someone played that suspensful Law & Order music that always plays in the courtroom at the end of an episode. Oh yeah, I'm talking about S.V.U., by the way. You know, the music that plays as Stabler is sitting in the back rows of the courtroom, watching a victim re-tell their rape trauma story for the 100th time, then they reveal they're secretly a man or something, then Stabler does that whole dual "eyebrow raise, half inhale" thing. Wow did you catch that new episode the other night? Can you believe --" Oops, he fell down before he could finish his riveting quote. Ignore the recorder lodged in his thorax.
Stewart donned a blue pin-stripped suit to court in classic "Pimp Fashion", with a blue and green fedora, which many deemed to be carless as it made him seem like a tacky dresser, which was all the more ammunition to lock him away for good. That, and the fact that he was grabbing at his crotchal area, and screaming "Y'all can't touch this! Wu-Tang clan ain't nothin' to (expletive) with, Wu-Tang clan ain't nothin' to (expletive) with", which was somewhat reminiscent of an old Chappelle's Show episode that he had apparently seen the other night. Upon the Judge's arrival, though, Stewart told his "bitches & ho's" to be quiet, and be seated, or he'd seat them for good, like he "did that Actress bitch".
Mr. Stewart showed little to no reaction as the verdict was handed down, and did not move a muscle, except to scratch his nether regions, which he did for a good 3 minutes. When asked if he agreed to the sentencing date, Stewart looked up and loudly answered "It is what it is, my jnegro" (apparently the combination of the word Judge and the word, well, you know). Prosecutor George Jefferson was said to be ecstatic at the verdict, while Defense Attorney William Deborah Goldberg Malarkey was quoted as saying "Yeah... well... he probably did do it, but, I like money".The sentencing period is slated for May 29, though who knows what kinds of "crazy shiz" may go down before then. Stewart is facing a minimum of 18 years to a maximum of life behind bars. For Stewart, now 82, the minimum sentence almost gurantees he will spend the rest of his life in one of California's luxorious Correctional Facilities, such as Folsom, Pelican Bay, or the ultra-magnificent San Quentin. That is, of course, barring that he isn't a robotic killing machine from the future sent back in time to thoughtlessly and randomly murder B-list movie starlets, retired or otherwise, as many suspect, (i.e. The Govenator). If this is the case, though, expect a pardon coming soon to a news outlet or television set near you. *LATE BREAKING*: The Defense Team for Rod Stewart says they feel justice was not done, and will file an appeal. They will try to get Stewart off on a plea of Mental Insanity, citing his illicit drunken-like behavior in the courtroom, as well as his attempt to make a "come back" when nobody wants him to and the recording of the album "Human" (2001).
More on this Breaking News Story as it develops. Meaning in like, almost 2 months. You can wait. Go on now. Get outside. Get some exercise.