UnNews:Rock is 'Older Than Dirt'
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Rock is 'Older Than Dirt'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 11:00:UTC)(
28 June 2008
TELLURIDE, Colorado - Finally, something really is "Older than Dirt". A rock, found in the heart of the rockies in Colorado, is ssuspected to be older than dirt itself. Found by Mr. Winkler, this rock is 1.43554 BILLION years old. "Yeah, the rock just looked cool and old so I kept it and tested it using radioactive-dating, and it turns out the thing is older than dirt! Amazing, isn't it?" says Winkler, a school teacher. Mr. Winkler said he was walking up an old trail back behind his neighbors house and this rock caught his eye. "We were meant to be," he says.
Unfortunately for Winkler, the rock was taken by the U.S. government for "confidential reasons". Winkler, heartbroken, went out and got wasted. The rock, however, is currently in the hands of Museum somewhere hidden. One of the scientists, Neil Peart, says the rock is definitely older than dirt, but how much older they're not quite sure. "Yeah, dirt is a mysterious thing. We think it's about 1.32487 billion years old, but we're not quite sure. We just know that the rock is older."
The dipay in the museum calls the rock "older than anything you've ever seen" and says this was the first hing God (if there is one) created. Older than Sharks? Yes. Older than Harrison Ford? Yes. As far as the scientists know, this rock may only be younger than water. "We thnk it may even be older than water, too." says Peart. "We are not sure of the age of water."
The rock has attracted people from all over the world, and the people wonder at it's marvel. "And I thought I was old," Says Harrison Ford. "Looks like I've met my match."