UnNews:Robert Mugabe elected 44th President of the United States of America
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7 August 2008
In a breakthrough in voting technology, the Diebold corporation was able to announce the results three months before the actual election. "This is a giant step forward for democracy," said Oscar Wilde, the new CEO of Diebold Technologies Ltd in a press release, "computers are now powerful enough to choose the president, without the need of human intervention. Who are you gonna believe anyway? Those fat-arsed, lightheaded American people who call themselves voters, or rational, scientific, algorithmically correct machines?"
The new President, who is due to move in the White House sunday next, issued his first official statement from his current office in Harare, Zimbabwe:
"My newly-fellow Americans, I am very glad your country finally decided to choose a real black, afro-African president for the next forty years, erm, four years. Did I say forty? No, I didn't say forty. Forty years. Damn, four years! This is so hard... Anyway, on with the speech.
As you all requested, our American soldiers are going to leave Iraq this very day. No, don't thank me, that's only fair game. What were you guys doing there anyway? Ah yes, the weapons of mass destruction. My fellow Americans, I know where those weapons are: they are in Mozambique, our hereditary enemy. Yes, now it's your hereditary enemy too. So all our American soldiers are going to be sent to Mozambique. They will be much better there. No sand, no desert, less heat, no petroleum... Nice afro music, spicy food, alcohol, and lots of women! And not those "hiding beneath a burqa"-women, mind you. REAL, hot women. Yes, Mozambique will be a good place for a hundred thousand American soldiers. You'll be able to party at will. Mwahaha.
Also, I would like to thank the Nigerian Princes for their financial assistance during the presidential campaign. I know it may sound odd talking about the campaign since you have heard little about me, as the two official candidates took most of the air time. But they wasted their money in media coverage, whereas my funds went to useful places... Very useful places. Those amateurs. You can't beat Mugabe at what he's good at!
Also, I will rename your country "Robert Mugabe's United States of Zimbabwe (and America)". Also, dissenters and protesters will be shot. And all the people I don't like. And some random people too, for good measure. And Michael Jackson too. And maybe the Terminator guy too, God I hate that damn movie.
Barack Obama and John McCain, the two former candidates, declined to comment. Georges W. Bush officially sent an invitation at the now ex-Presidential ranch to "Robert," whom he said "is a great man, I have so much to learn from him. So that's where those nucular weapons were at the end of the day?" The rest of the world was taken by surprise and needs a bit of rest before issuing statements.