UnNews:Robert Mugabe bails out world financial system out-of-pocket
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Robert Mugabe bails out world financial system out-of-pocket
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 00:52:UTC)(
6 October 2008
HARARE -- Robert Mugabe, freshly re-elected leader of the free world, heroically stepped forward yesterday and announced that he is going to provide cash and credit out of his personal funds, sufficient to bring world economy back on track. "Looking back, I'm sorry that I took so much time, but I did not realize the significance of the big numbers in the news. When I read about the 700 billion bailout I remembered the last time I bought a box of cigars and I think I received 700 billion in change. Looking closer, I rummaged through the drawers in my desk and I think I found enough spare cash to float the struggling western economies. Give or take a trillion, I am not afraid of big numbers. Not I."
Mugabe developed some interest in economic questions lately when he found out that the market value of some companies he heard of was only several hundred billions or less. "Actually I considered buying Google, or Apple, or McDonald's, or Alabama" he said, "but I thought better of it when I read that people are suffering, that American house-owners and bankers are in distress, and I can do worthier things with my humble savings." Investors all over the world cheered when Mugabe announced his cash injection to the markets and stock indexes skyrocketed. "It's like the old days" a hardened Wall Street broker sobbed. "I already had dusted off my old Dow10k cap, but this incredible Mugabe guy saved us all. He made my day!"
Later on, when a reporter tried to ask Mugabe exactly how much would 700 billion Zimbabwe dollars be worth in US dollar adjusting for inflation, he paused and then flipped the reporter off.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|