UnNews:Rob Ford asks for voters' trust

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4 July 2014

Robford

Ford hopes to avoid follow-on snorts by holding his breath until he turns blue.

TORONTO, Ontario -- Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he cannot guarantee that he will stay sober, and said that voters should simply trust him.

Ford, interviewed on Newstalk 1010, said that he won't make any promises about something over which he has "no control." He explained that, in metropolitan Toronto, muggers routinely kidnap celebrities and use funnels to force alcohol down their throats. In addition, businesses from hospitals to barbershops sometimes surreptitiously administer alcohol to customers intravenously.

Ford said voters considering re-electing him are "going to have to look at my record and compare it" to the records of his opponents — none of whom have spent a substantial portion of a mayoral term in rehab.

A group inspired by "shirtless jogger" Joe Killoran, who ranted at Ford during an event, bared their chests outside the radio station. By comparison, Joe the Plumber, who dissed Barack Obama during the 2008 campaign for U.S. President, got audited and there was no groundswell of interest in plumbing as a profession, despite a radio push by G. Gordon Liddy, for whom it is a specialty. Reportedly, the Obama Administration has granted extra foreign aid to Toronto, for having a mayor who loses his memory faster than the IRS loses emails, and for keeping admissions of cocaine use out of the U.S. press.

Jerry Agar, who interviewed Ford, said Ford's unwillingness to make promises "makes it tough to take another four-year shot." However, Agar added that, if he did take one, it would be a double.

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