UnNews:Rival drivers killed after accident involving chicken; winner undetermined
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Rival drivers killed after accident involving chicken; winner undetermined
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, October 27, 2016, 05:05:UTC)(
1 February 2011
NEW YORK, New York -- Earlier today, New York residents driving near the southern end of the Brooklyn Bridge bore witness to a terrible car accident. The head-on collision and ensuing explosion left two motorists dead. The mangled bodies of the two victims, Ed Morgan and David Smith, were identified at a local hospital shortly after the incident. Reportedly, the rival drivers were trying to replicate a scene out of one of their favorite movies, FASTER. They more or less succeeded. One of the witnesses described it as "a spectacular event," saying, "You thought they would have turned or something, but those poor bastards just didn't get it. One second, they're racing at each other and then they were sky-high, their body parts raining down all over the place." The crash raises a few questions about the risky nature of driving games and the alcohol levels of the men, but there's one thing on everyone's mind: Who won?
Police at the scene were able to collect some evidence supporting either man being the winner. "It was definitely close; frankly, I think it might have been a tie," stated police Detective Robert Baron, "Initially, we all thought that Mr. Morgan had chickened out, as his driver's-side door was gone, but we later found the door with skull fragments embedded in it, suggesting instead that Mr. Morgan's head had slammed into it and knocked it off its hinges." The final piece of evidence was urine stains found on Smith's jeans, leading police to believe that he would have turned the wheel, had he better judged the distance.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|