UnNews:Rising oil prices due to lack of demand, argues oil companies
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Rising oil prices due to lack of demand, argues oil companies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 22:16:UTC)(
25 July 2008
Abandoned Gas Station Oil companies reported today that they have done everything in their power to get people interested again in buying gas, going as far as offering scratch and win lottery tickets for a chance to win a free package of crisps when purchasing a full tank of gas. Market researchers have predicted for years that eventually people would stop buying gas and move on to more sustainable lifestyles for the sake of the 'future'.
"Nobody is in the gas game anymore," sang a barbershop quartet of Wall Street Brokers, "Renewable clean energy and Al Gore." This behavior drove this independent journalist to seek out the word from the street. Bored gas station attendants agree- customers are just not showing up anymore to buy gas.
"All we get now are independent journalists" grumbled Joe, gas jockey, "and kids trying to steal candy. I swear to Mel Gibson that if that kid comes in here once more trying to create a distraction, I'm going to wring his neck."
"Yeah, " agreed long-time co-worker Harold "the last time he tried to get us to call homeland security because a wolf was eating his mom... hehehe the part about his mom really got you didn't it Joe..."
"Shut up Harold" retorted Joe, "and keep mopping the floor. He only got away with a small handful of merchandise. If you were working that shift the whole damn store would be gone."
"The whole damn store is gone Joe!" yelled Harold, clearly irritated, "All we have left is a single packet of crisps, this mop and an independent journalist who has promised to tell the world of our struggle! We sold the merchandise to buy gas, remember?"
"Guys!" exclaimed Fred, shift manager, "we're getting more crisps next week, when the army escorts that crisp convoy here. Now shut up and look for cars."
"There are no cars!" shouted Joe and Harold in unison.
"Then you're fired!" retorted Fred, "and you! with the notebook - get out of here!"