UnNews:Rihanna blames drugs for brutal assault on Chris Brown, says she's going to rehab
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Rihanna blames drugs for brutal assault on Chris Brown, says she's going to rehab
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 13:42:UTC)(
20 February 2009
Los Angeles, California (UnNews) - Sexy singer Rihanna is blaming drugs for fueling her violent assault against her boyfriend Chris Brown last week. Rihanna was arrested last week after brutally beating Brown to within an inch of his life. Brown, who has since regained conciousness after spending nearly a week in a coma, gave his exclusive story to UnNews. Although he can't remember the actual beating itself, Brown says he can still remember the events leading up to the brutal assault that nearly cost him his life.
Brown says the day started out as any other. He was forced to get up and cook Rihanna breakfast and clean her mansion. Brown also claims that this was not the first time Rihanna has abused him although he does admit that it was the most serious event. Brown says if he did not make her meals just the way she liked it, Rihanna would often beat him with whatever objects happened to be laying around. After breakfast, Rihanna told Brown that she wanted him to drive her to the mall to go shopping. Brown was hesitant to drive because LA was experiencing torrential rain at that time and several roads were washed away. Rihanna would not have it and struck Brown across the face with her umbrella. Despite being struck in the face, Brown did not fight back, he admits he was scared shitless of her. Rihanna alledgedly remarked that Brown began crying on the way to the mall because of what she did to him earlier. Brown denies this. Apparently, Brown was taking too long in traffic and Rihanna became agitated. The couple began arguing and finally Rihanna told Brown to just "Shut up and drive" and reportedly punched him in the face. Brown, terrified, still continued to drive her after that.
After enduring several assualts from the sexy singer already, the couple finally arrived at the mall. Rihanna headed straight for the 2 for 10 movie bin at Wal-Mart. She allegedly heard that her favourite movie, Disturbia, staring Shia LaBoeuf was on sale for five bucks. After purchasing the movie, Rihanna then headed to the washroom to snort a line of coke. Brown, knowing his girlfriend was addicted to several drugs, followed her into the washroom. When he confronted her about the coke, Rihanna told him to stop being such a pussy and to let her live her life. When Brown refused to leave, Rihanna picked up a garbage can and threw it at his head, missing by only a few inches.
You'd think any reasonble person would have hightailed it the fuck out of there by now, but no not Brown, he was so cunt-struck by the Barbadian beauty that he could do nothing but endure her violent assaults.
Brown says the last thing he remembers was getting back into the car with Rihanna and driving back to their mansion. Police have put together a timeline of what they think happened next. Rihanna claims that she began her final brutal assault on Brown after he received a text message from one of his boyfriends, Rihanna insists that Brown was cheating on her with other men. Witness claim they saw a hot woman who matched Rihanna's description, repeatedly bashing a man's head against the steering wheel of a car.
Rihanna then alledgedly threw Brown out of the car head first where he struck his head on the pavement. Now unconcious, Rihanna continued to brutalize Brown, kicking him and stomping on his head, until he began bleeding profusely. By that time, witnesses had alerted police and paramedics and they now began arriving at the scene.
Rihanna was immediately taken into custody. Suspecting she was high on something, officers immediately ordered a full body search be done on Rihanna. Several officers eagerly volunteered. Using their tongues, officers probed every inch of the sexy singer's body in search of drugs, weapons, or anything else that might be illegal. When Rihanna asked why officers were licking her breasts, one of them replied that they were checking her breast milk for drugs. Despite insisting she was not breastfeeding and had no children, officers said they needed to check everything. When they reached her clitoris, Rihanna began to go into convulsions and allegedly climaxed several times. After several hours of extensive searching, officers were unable to recover anything from Rihanna's body. Exhaused, but completely satisfied, Rihanna told onlookers that she needed to "take a bow" and she left with the officers. She alledgedly remarked that being cuffed and strip searched was a huge turn on and that her boyfriend was too much of a douchebag to do anything kinky like that.
Since her arrest, Rihanna has publically apologized for her actions against Brown and blames the whole incident on a coke-induced rage. She denies that she habitually abused Brown and said it was a one time incident. She is reportedly in Rehab and says she is getting clean. Rihanna appeared in court earlier this week for a preliminary hearing. The judge told her that if she completed rehab and performed a live sex show for the court, all charges would be dropped. Rihanna happily obliged and was reported to have left the courtroom with a huge smile on her face, walking bow-legged. Brown says its ludicrious that the charges be dropped and penalty so light. Both the District Attorney and the LAPD have stated publically that Brown should stop being such a pussy and that its his own fault he allowed himself to be beaten by a girl. Despite the incident, most media experts believe that this will not really hurt Rihanna's career. One anonoymous journalist remarked, "She's too hot for people to stop liking her, she could commit bloody murder and people would still want to fuck her. Rihanna isn't going anywhere anytime soon".