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Richard the Third found dead; search for horse continues

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20 September 2012


Richard III: Body Found?

LEICESTER, Ye Olde England, United Kingdom -- Archaeologists and funny people with metal detectors are sure they have discovered the "bones of King Richard III" but there is no trace of his missing horse.

In an on-going dig at a car park in Leicester, a bag of bones were discovered in a spot where King Richard III was said to be buried after the Battle of Bosworth in August 1485. Professor Stumble-Bore from Leicester University, in charge of the dig says he is "99.9% certain - bar a gnat's gonads" that they have the late king's twisted remains.

"This man had a very bad attitude problem: He couldn't stand up straight and would have walked along the ground in the manner of a big ugly ape," said Stumble-Bore. "I am sure we've got that kiddie killer in this box and once we have cross-checked the DNA with an indirect descendant from Richard III's family, we'll be able to say for sure this was Richard's last resting place."

According to the reports of the time, Richard III died in battle against Henry Tudor. The Yorkist king's body was stripped naked and dragged off to Leicester to go on public show (the circus that day had been cancelled). Richard III was then given a dishonorable grave until his "body" was unearthed in the car park when it was being upgraded.

Stumble-Bore continued, "Looking at the bones, Richard was obviously in a very bad physical shape at the time of Bosworth. No wonder he lost and his horse bolted. This man was the English Quasimodo - but without the bells - and probably without the balls either - as we know his dead body was hacked about after the battle. If we can just find that missing horse, then our theory will be proved and it will be a knighthood for the team leader on this project."

Other historians who were not invited to take part in the investigation suggest the bones cannot be Richard. They say Professor Stumble-Bore has been shameless, drumming up this "Dickery in a Car Park" for pure television exposure reasons. They tend to believe that William Shakespeare's play Richard the Third has been "too influential" and the professor is trying to fit a fiction to prove a long dead disabled killer was really England's lost monarch.

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