17 April 2007
POMPEII, India -- Images of Big Brother star Shilpa Shetty and the American actor Richard Gere have been burnt on the streets of India after Gere revealed himself as a vampire and proceeded to feast on the blood of Shetty, thereby making her his bride, beholden to him for all eternity.
The Bollywood actress and the American star of films like Arse Hamster Tunnel 4 had teamed up in a campaign to encourage safe sex between elephants and their handlers in India.The country has the world's largest number of people crushed to death by pet elephants during "acts of foolish coupling".
"Shilpa is MINE now, an undead immortal creature of the night beholden to me and me alone, for ALL ETERNITY hahahahaHAAA," 1,358-year-old Gere shouted in Hindi to thousands of elephant handlers in New Delhi, "and watch out for those big bloody elephants!".
The crowd initially whooped with delight and whistled loudly as, in the form of a bat, he swooped down on a visibly surprised Shetty before metamorphosizing into his silver haired form to clamp his huge, blooded fangs into her proferred throat.
Later, groups of men burnt effigies of the Hollywood star, shouting "Kill the blood sucker, before he kills us all". Some burnt Shetty's posters, shouting "Death to the Harridan of hell!", and danced around like the lot of mad stinking savages they are.
Some, however, defended Gere and Shetty, "I think The Master must be allowed to choose his brides with impunity", said one pale, vacant faced spokesman this morning, "to question him is to invite eternal damnation!"
The spokesman continued: "The media should concentrate on promotion of the cause of elephant sex fatalities rather than make 'issues' out of who Richard Gere chooses to be his eternal concubine."
Indian elephant handlers are considered a high-risk group, as many have sex with elephants at least six times a day! Last month more than eighty men were killed across India whilst having "relations" with their pet elephants.
One A&E doctor, Buhrinda Hundilundi illustrated the problem, "Have you seen how big an elephant cock is? Jesus, The damage that can cause to the lower digestive tract can not be understated."