UnNews:Revelations about Panda Genetics

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26 July 2007

Panda!

Recent studies indicate that Pandas love to impersonate Elvis Presley from all eras of Presley's career. Some have developed enough vocal talent to replace the lead singer of the band Journey

China, Asia, Eurasia, Monaco - Researchers at the University of Shanghai have discovered that previous beliefs about the origins of the Panda race were unfounded. It has long been known that this Giant Panda was not a true bear, but a type of raccoon, until now. It is now known that the cute[1] Panda Bear-BearBear is actually a rape of tycoon[2] much to the dismay of Rupert Murdoch, who just ordered one to keep as a housepet and to maintain News Corp.'s global domination of the media.

Panda Bear-BearBears are incredibly quiet, lacking the decibel-breaking growl of regular bears, and have the shortest genome of any organism; it is simply "CAT" but the previous recording, using inferior jelly in its electrochromatograph, gave "DOG", which not only led to the mis-categorization but used two imaginary bases.

Following their discovery, the team responsible for new Panda Bear-BearBear findings used a new Royal Jelly technique to check other genomes, and concluded that the Panda Bear-BearBear does not have the most chromosomes of any organism, but is in fact of Aryan ancestry. This was less of a revelation, confirming growing suspicions of zoologists why the Panda Bear-BearBear prefers to learn English with a British accent.

No other discoveries have been released yet, but will be early next year in the book "Are Panda-Bears Wasps? and other questions you probably already read in The Economist."


edit References

  1. and newly named
  2. The word-jumble appearance of the new genome readings relative to previous (inaccurate) recordings show how easy it is for mistakes of this manner to have been made, and make it funny. As in Ha-Ha.
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