UnNews:Retail sales unexpectedly drop
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Retail sales unexpectedly drop
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015, 05:49 (UTC)
11 June 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. --- U.S. retail sales unexpectedly plunged 1.2 percent in May. The plunge was "unexpected" only because all of us in the news media voted for Obama and are expecting everything he does to work like a charm.
To try to understand the sudden drop in retail sales, UnNews conducted an impromptu man-on-the-street poll. Newsroom page Joshua Shapiro had a concise explanation for the disturbing statistic. He told us, "My folks stayed home all month and watched the live feed of the oil spill."
Cub reporter Rand D'Anconia, who covers the union hiring hall next to the car plant, said times seem tough even though the mid-term election is imminent. "The guys aren't even buying extra sandwiches for me--not since I did the bribery story."
Many Americans feel poorer because of the tumble in the stock market. The Dow Jones had its worst showing for any May of an even-numbered year after an NFC team won the Super Bowl. Many Americans read such factoids, conclude that bad times are coming, and pull back financially. Economists refer to this phenomenon as a "self-fulfilling prophecy," as it enables many of them to fulfill book deals. UnNews secretary Rose Hips said, "To hell with the new Prius--my Wikia shares are in the crapper!" She already dumped all her BP. And she has been wearing torn jeans and T-shirts to work lately, and no one even says anything. The Obama Administration is preparing a second stimulus package to counter this tendency. The theory here is that make-work jobs will induce Americans to look around, see everyone else looking busy, and conclude that times are rosy. Economists refer to this phenomenon as a "con job."
The UnNews Chief explained events this way: "Any money the American people aren't spending, they must be saving. That helps capital formation and strengthens the nation. And I hear 'Caribou Barbie' just got a boob job. That outlay of funds will be spent and re-spent, boosting prosperity in Alaska and beyond." His personal formula for success: Buy gold, which can still be had at just over $1,200 an ounce--and store it offshore.