UnNews:Restaurant bosses put on the clock

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Restaurant bosses put on the clock

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, March 23, 2018, 13:21:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

16 August 2016


"Extra pickles, extra lettuce, special orders don't upset us." Because they are now illegal.

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- The operator of 717 Burger King restaurants has announced that bosses will now have to punch time-clocks.

Politicians for decades have differentiated "good jobs at good wages" from mere "burger-flippers." Today's move will not endow burger-flippers with good jobs at good wages, but they are expected to be elated that their cruel bosses will experience the same miseries that they do.

President Obama announced a year ago a doubling of the income level under which American employees are guaranteed time-and-a-half for work over 40 hours per week. The rule is now set to take effect one month after the election. Chief executive Dan Accordino said, "It will not cost — I mean we're simply converting their current salaries into an hourly rate," assuming they continue working 55 hours per week to avail themselves of the time-and-a-half deal. Should they cut back to 40 hours, there are still many fine living arrangements for them, such as at Kampgrounds Of America.

A typical store manager spends those 55 hours per week scheduling his burger-flippers to each work 29½ hours per week, so as to not have to give them a free Obama-care health insurance policy. It seems to be a hard sell to convince a burger-flipper in high school to have 9.66% of his paycheck deducted for insurance, even though Obama-care guarantees free pediatric dental care, 100% coverage of nursing-home stays, and Gender Reassignment counseling, once expenses exceed the $6,000 deductible — almost as hard a sell as it is convincing companies such as Aetna to stay in the business and offer policies to all comers regardless of poor health.

Mr. Accordino said he will lead by example and convert himself to hourly too, although it will not be he but his Executive Secretary who punches his time-card. Thus, one of his 55 hours will be spent documenting exactly which 55 hours they were each week. Experts said there is no conceivable unwanted side-effect by putting on an hourly wage managers who decide their own number of hours worked — neither corporate edicts to cut back to 40 nor individual decisions to surf the Internet for ten more hours at time-and-a-half.

The Bojangles restaurant chain announced the same move. However, it said it will keep district managers on salary, and simply raise its menu prices, a move not incompatible with Mr. Obama's signature promise in 2008 that middle-class Americans "won't see a dime of new taxes."

edit Sources

Personal tools