UnNews:Rest of world horrified at Trump "America First" speech
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Rest of world horrified at Trump "America First" speech
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 10:06:UTC)(
30 April 2016
The candidate who once argued that "if you're running for president, you should not be allowed to use a teleprompter" and criticized likely opponent Hillary Clinton for "just reading it off a teleprompter" — read it off a teleprompter.
However, more shocking than the furniture to foreign leaders was Trump's "America First" message — the outlandish concept that American foreign policy should pursue America's interests.
Current President B.H. Obama has pursued a foreign policy that has nothing to do with America's interests, "leading from behind" and "re-purposing" the military to "reach out to Islam" and "mitigate global warming." His most recent initiative promises to provide a nurturing and non-threatening combat work environment for America's female soldiers. Foreign leaders point out that, during this period of frantic American retreat, "a thousand flowers have bloomed," to quote an American hero, though 90% of them are nuclear-tipped. Trump has said he will re-re-purpose the military toward killing relatives of terrorists.
The campaign of Ted Cruz pointed out that "America First" was a slogan of isolationists who kept America out of World War 2 for a while, and that Trump should have known this, as he says he surrounds himself with the best people, when he is not joking about how he surrounds himself with yes-men, or claiming he does everything himself. (Aides could also have explained to Trump how to pronounce "Tanzania.") Cruz, who cannot secure a majority before the Republican Party convention this July in Cleveland, still plans to win at the convention, with memorable gambits such as spiking delegates' drinks to stampede them to the lavatories during the surprising ninth ballot. Trump, who does not have a majority either despite being the "presumed nominee," is running a "hope-and-change" campaign (unless he ditches that in favor of a new theme), promising to be the fourth consecutive U.S. President who will do different stuff from the last guy. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton, through a press release of the Clinton Family Foundation, promised that she will give America "the best foreign policy money can buy."
German foreign minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier expressed the region's concern about possibly having to contribute significant cash to its own defense. "The world's security is no longer based on two pillars alone," an obvious reference to the Styrofoam Greek columns Obama stood between to laud himself after his own nomination in 2008. Steinmeier said prowess at war has been replaced by prowess in endless committee meetings with Joint Communiqués. Carl Bildt of Sweden echoed the notion, saying Trump "abandoned democratic allies and democratic values." He said America has an important role to play in Europe's current quest to acquire all of Greece's debt and most of Syria's youngsters.
Trump's teleprompter speech seemed aimed at showing an alleged serious side, as Trump has said he intends to act more "presidential" and provide a "disciplined foreign policy." If carried into practice, this would mean:
- He would not assert that Angela Merkel has "a ridiculous face for a leader — just look at it!"
- He would not refer to David Cameron as "Lyin' Dave" (despite the feelings of millions of Britons) or to François Hollande as "Little Frankie."
- He would not offer to pay bail money and lawyer costs of persons who break international law or rough up hecklers.
Steinmeier said he hoped "the US election campaign does not lack the perception of reality," while not explaining why this one should be different from the others. However, the American news media did not discuss any of these self-contradictions, as the process of pranking Republicans to nominate a carnival-barker is not quite complete.