UnNews:Medical research links cancer, breathing
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Medical research links cancer, breathing
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, February 21, 2017, 16:38:UTC)(
24 February 2007
ANCHORAGE, ARIZONA--Today cancer researchers have made a breakthrough discovery finding that every cancer patient recorded have answered to surveys that they have breathed in their life.
"It is amazing that it only took 2 years and $9 billion," said Dr. Jack Hoff head researcher for the American Cancer Society's (ACS) breathing department. After 2 years of research Jack Hoff finally proved that his initial hypothesis was true and that breathing has a direct correlation with breathing.
"I was really high," recounted Dr. Hoff, "then I realized that my friend who had cancer seemed to be breathing a lot during his treatment." Thanks to this brilliant idea by Dr. Hoff, the amazing research began. After determining that after strangling his friend and numerous other cancer patients he found that they were instantly relieved of their disease. He then asked for funding from the ACS and began repeating his experiment 57 times. "At that point I was really on to something and felt that the truth was only a little bit further." Jack began a series of surveys of patients across the nation and finally found his answer.
"When I found out that my hypothesis was true, I was overjoyed that I could reveal such a truth to the world. "Yes, finally we know that all these years, while you thought that you had been taking harmless breaths of air, all the while the cancer was slowly eating at your bladder. However, it comes no surprise that such a deadly and addictive activity such as breathing has also been linked to AIDS, Heart Disease, Brain Damage, and Your Mom. Scientists such as Dr. Jack Hoff all around the world are now encouraging everyone to stop breathing now. They recommend using helpful quitting devices such as a noose, rat poison, or kitten huffing.
"Although this is a major step into truly understanding the nature of cancer, we must also finish research into our other projects as well." Dr, Jack Hoff is also the head of the eating and drinking research as well as the "taking a shit" department. "Hopefully this research will allow us to finally cure the children, because they are our future."
The ACS already is organizing a pity drive and a whine-a-thon.
"People don't realize how much money is reqired for this kind of research." said Dr. Hoff,"We are already estimating that this research will reach the trillions of dollars and we need your pity to be able to make this possible." The fund raiser will be held in Little Rock Arkansas next week and the guests include Tiny Tim and the kids from Terms of Endearment.
"Please attend the fund raiser next week" finally urged me to tell people, "I really need more wee....I mean supplies." Dr. Hoff also pledged to extend research to other potential cancer-causing elements, such as walking, masturbating and building Death Stars.