UnNews:Republicans move to rename France 'Freedomland'
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Republicans move to rename France 'Freedomland'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, April 25, 2017, 20:24:UTC)(
9 March 2006
In a public press conference today, Representatives Robert W. Ney and Walter B. Jones proposed that France be renamed 'Freedomland'.
Rep. Ney: "It's really the next logical move. I remember when when we renamed french fries to freedom fries, back in 2003. I can hardly believe that we used to name something so truly American after the French. Those backstabbing cowards don't support our war and I've got nothing but disdain for everything to do with them. We're taking back American culture one word at the time."
The successful freedom fries episode was quickly followed by other renamings. Two weeks after freedom fries were coined, french toast was changed to freedom toast. One month after that, the two Representatives changed French kissing to freedom kissing, french dressing to freedom dressing and croissants to freedom crescents.
"Finally, after so many years of having our everyday speech contaminated by references to those frog-eating backstabbers, we began to undo the damage. And, I must admit, in 2004 when we were bravely fighting the war - trying to make do without the mighty French army - I thought the job was done. But one day, as I was walking through my local supermarket I was listening to some conversations and looking at the products on the shelves and it hit me. This problem was far greater than I thought. I began to notice just how satiated America was with the disgusting taste of their ungodly culture. I literally ran home to explain to Walter and we set out to fix the problem once and for all."
"2004 was the year of the great reform. Freedom mustard, the 'freedom' sexual position, freedom pox, a freedom letter, British commedienne Dawn Freedom... We battled endlessly against that foul adjective."
"And not just that, we had to remove all contaminations from our language. People saying faux-pas, ménage à trois, RSVP, Coq-au-vin... we changed them all. Freedom fuck-up, freesome, freedom ya comin or not?, freedom cock-in-your-wine, the list was endless. We managed to pull through in the end, however. Research shows that these days people hardly even think about the French anymore."
"But one thing was still bugging us", Rep. Jones explains, "The word French still existed. Every time those pansy-ass snail munchers do something, people are going to call it French, because that's what it is. We realised we had to go to the root of the problem. The words France and French. We spent most of 2005 planning a move to finally rid America of this nauseating linguistic pollution, but we believe we've done it."
"This move will complete our project and really show those baguette-loving lollipops what we think of them. We will rename France to 'Freedomland', 'the French' as a noun to 'the Freedomies', and French as an adjective will of course become 'freedom'. That way, a sentence like "The French city of Paris, in France, is crawling with filthy French" would become "The freedom city of Paris, in Freedomland, is crawling with filthy Freedomies". Except that we've changed Paris to freedom Central."
"Now, after three years of hard work, we can finally complete our statement of disdain. This final name change will really show those arrogant, yellow-bellied winos what we think of them. We've dealt them a blow, that's for sure. They didn't see this one coming."