UnNews:Republicans give up US Congress, Express Relief
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Republicans give up US Congress, Express Relief
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 17:58:UTC)(
17 November 2006
"Thank god we lost all of congress", proclaimed a prominent Republican senator. "As long as we can give the Democrats the White House in '08", he continued, "we should stay in power for the next decade or two."
As surprising as this strategy may seem, to some foresighted Republicans, it was the only way to ensure a limited run of Democratic power.
Upon opening the bills for the War in Iraq and the Prescription Drug Plan, Republicans were surprised to find out that they had racked up somewhere between one and two trillion dollars ($1-$2 trillion (US)) on the country's credit card. (The exact number is hard to pin down, as the Iraq War is ongoing and not on a monthly flat-fee plan.)
Realising that the required tax increase needed to pay for this would be exceedingly unpopular, the Republican party quickly came to the conclusion that they were facing years or even decades of political ridicule for their "conservative" spending. It was clear that the American People would quickly realise that Republicans no longer stood for "conservative values", "smaller governments", and "reduced taxes".
While the rest of the party panicked, Karl Rove (Nobel Prize winner in the field of Quantum cheddardynamics and presidential advisor) put on his thinking cap. After several sleepless nights, he came to the solution: Let the Democrats raise taxes.
Rove's plan was brilliant:
- Let the Democrats take control of the House and Senate.
- Allow them to take responsibility for the quagmire in Iraq.
- If they cut and run, remind them of this during the next important election
- Allow them to bring government to a standstill for the next two years.
- Allow them to elect a President
- Two years into the President's term, point out to the American people that the Democrats:
- Take back the White House and Congress
- Stay in power for the next decade or two while the Democrats bicker about how it's not fair
Many Republicans were skeptical at first. "There's no way the Dems' are that dumb", said George W. Bush. "Even I can see that payin for this is a loosin propa...propa...ballgame." In a similar vein, Senator John McCain noted that, "I do not see Democrats jumping to take responsibility for a failed policy in Iraq, and the required tax increases needed to pay for it. Surly they are disciplined enough to force the Republican party to stay the course and make good on our promises."
But with his characteristic charm, rapier wit, and erotic foot massages, Karl Rove persevered. To the surprise of many Republicans, the Democrats took control of both the houses of Congress, and appear game to take the White House in 2008. Said Senator Bill Frist, "If they want it that bad, let them have it. After four years of Democratic tax raises we'll have forty years of Republican control."
- Tom Regan "Report: Iraq war costs could top $2 trillion". Christian Science Monitor, January 10, 2006