UnNews:Republicans give entire world to Satan
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Republicans give entire world to Satan
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 26, 2017, 00:10:UTC)(
5 May 2007
The rivers are filled with blood, the sky is raining sulpher and brimstone, the four motorbikers of the Apocalypse are here, because the Republicans gave the entire world to Satan.
George Bush announced, that in a strange twist of fate, he had dreamed that Democrats had given the Entire World to Terrorists. "What cruel irony", he bemoaned, "Given that it was we Republicans who'd ushered in the dawn of the Beast upon this Earth."
Further irony was that no Democrats were left, having all ascended into heaven on individual rays of light. Nancy Pelosi, a reincarnation of the virgin Mary, was the last to leave, crying a single tear for the world.
When God himself inscribed Bush's face on the moon in a circle of fire, Bush conceded it would be hard to further deny responsibility.
"Ol' Lucifer fooled me good, haha," Bush chuckled, before getting lashed by one of the nine whips of the demon-goat creature behind him.
As part of the Republican/Devil's plan, random wars were started. "Things got bad pretty quickly," Bush continues. "I wanted to explain to people not to worry about the civilian casualties because they were only Arabs, but whenever I suggested writing my own speeches, Cheney would hand me my crayons and I'd draw a picture instead."
"I had another dream a week ago," Bush said. "Where Democratics had set the date of surrender of entire nation to terrorists. Of course when I woke up I realised how retarded the whole idea was, but in my dream state it had somehow made sense."
The key turning point where humanity descended into darkness is generally credited to when a flame war of articles started on a comedy website that stoked the fires of hatred in the hearts and minds of the world. "Things just got too far," one site author was quoted. "Instead of comedy, they were poorly shielded political slander articles. WTF? You know?"