UnNews:Republican Party Declares War on Women
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Republican Party Declares War on Women
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 23:35 (UTC)
6 January 2013
Washington DC, USA --
In a move that has stunned much of America, the Republican party has officially declared War on Women. In a memo released by the RNC, the GOP stated that its attempt to attract female voters was being swarted Democratic fear mongers on various by social issues. The memo went on to say that any future attempts would likewise prove fruitless.
Therefore, the memo concludes, the GOP should no longer focus on women voters, but, instead appeal to socially conservative Democrats. Using the logic that if one is going to be accused of something regardless, one might as well do it, the memo declared War on Women.
As part of the War on Women, the memo declared that the fiction of the value fetal life should be immediately abandoned, saying, "For years, Republicans have falsely argued that we believe abortion is wrong because it results in the death of unborn babies. Our party should no longer fear opposing abortion on the grounds that it punishes fornicators with babies, and pregnancy is sexually arousing."
Some pundits have questioned that wisdom of this bold policy. However, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has announced independent politician Newtis Newtfield and parody of an internet meme, Preggobear have both endorsed this new policy, with the former possibly considering joining the Republican party. Many rank-and-file members of the Republican party also endorsed the policy. Quoting an anonymous Republican, "I is very liberating to be able to argue against abortion without resorting the ethical or religious arguments. Now, instead of accusing women of being baby killers, I can simply argue that the purpose of government is to force your will upon others, and I, along with other voters find pregnant bellies aesthetically pleasing. Therefore, it follows that we can and ought elect representatives to pass laws to restrict abortion."
Ironically, many women also support this decision. According to an anonymous abortion doctor, "For the past 40 years, those who believe in woman's right to choose have been denounced as baby killers. Now that this fiction has been abandoned, conservatives can go about restricting our reproductive rights without being complete dicks about it. No pun intended."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
This move, however, has come to stock to many socially conservative Republican women. However, Priesbus dismissed these arguments, saying, "If these women weren't intelligent enough to realize that the abortion debate was about controlling women rather than not killing fetuses, then they are probably too stupid to vote in their own self interest anyway.