UnNews:Republican Party Declares War on Women

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Created page with "{{news|{{subst:CURRENTDAY}} {{subst:CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{subst:CURRENTYEAR}}}} {{date|{{subst:CURRENTDAY}} {{subst:CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{subst:CURRENTYEAR}}}} [[Image:WaronWom...")
 
(I edited it for clarity. It could use more jokes and funny bits. See if you like the edits, msnbc. I too hate women, and want to restrict their actions and ability to make their own decisions in life, especially the hot ones.)
Line 5: Line 5:
 
'''Washington DC, [[USA]]''' --
 
'''Washington DC, [[USA]]''' --
   
In a move that has stunned much of America, the [[Republican]] party has officially declared War on Women. In a memo released by the RNC, the GOP stated that its attempt to attract female voters was being swarted Democratic fear mongers on various by [[abortion|social issues]]. The memo went on to say that any future attempts would likewise prove fruitless.
+
In a move that stunned much of America, the [[Republican]] party has officially declared War on Women. In a memo released by the RNC, the GOP stated that "Our attempt to attract female voters is being thwarted by Democratic fear mongers using various [[abortion|social issues]]. We've concluded that any future attempts to attract women voters would likewise prove fruitless."
   
Therefore, the memo concludes, the GOP should no longer focus on women voters, but, instead appeal to socially conservative Democrats. Using the logic that if one is going to be accused of something regardless, one might as well do it, the memo declared War on Women.
+
Therefore, the memo concludes, the GOP should no longer focus on women voters, but instead appeal to socially conservative Democrats. Using the logic that if one is going to be accused of something regardless, one might as well do it, the memo declared War on Women.
   
As part of the War on Women, the memo declared that the fiction of the value fetal life should be immediately abandoned, saying, "For years, Republicans have falsely argued that we believe abortion is wrong because it results in the death of unborn babies. Our party should no longer fear opposing abortion on the grounds that it punishes fornicators with babies, and pregnancy is sexually arousing."
+
As part of the War on Women, the GOP declared that the fiction of the value of fetal life should be immediately abandoned. "For years, Republicans have falsely argued that we believe abortion is wrong because it results in the death of unborn babies," the memo said, stopping long enough to take a drink of water. "Our party should no longer fear opposing abortion on the grounds that it punishes fornicators with babies, and just admit that pregnancy is sexually arousing."
 
[[File:ProChoiceFetus.jpg|thumb|left|This pro-choice fetus could not be reached for comment]]
 
[[File:ProChoiceFetus.jpg|thumb|left|This pro-choice fetus could not be reached for comment]]
Some pundits have questioned that wisdom of this bold policy. However, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has announced independent politician [[Newtis Newtfield]] and parody of an internet meme, [[Preggobear]] have both endorsed this new policy, with the former possibly considering joining the Republican party. Many rank-and-file members of the Republican party also endorsed the policy. Quoting an anonymous Republican, "I is very liberating to be able to argue against abortion without resorting the ethical or religious arguments. Now, instead of accusing women of being baby killers, I can simply argue that the purpose of [[government]] is to force your will upon others, and I, along with [[:Category:Preggosexuals|other voters]] find pregnant bellies aesthetically pleasing. Therefore, it follows that we can and ought elect representatives to pass laws to restrict abortion."
+
Some pundits have questioned that wisdom of this bold policy. However, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has announced independent politician [[Newtis Newtfield]] and parody of an internet meme, [[Preggobear]], have both endorsed this new policy, with the former possibly considering joining the Republican party. Many rank-and-file members of the GOP also endorsed the policy. Quoting an anonymous Republican, "It is very liberating to be able to argue against abortion without resorting to ethical or religious arguments. Now, instead of accusing women of being baby killers, I can simply argue that the purpose of [[government]] is to force our will upon others, and that I, along with [[:Category:Preggosexuals|other voters]] find pregnant bellies aesthetically pleasing. Therefore, it follows that we can and ought to elect representatives to pass laws to restrict abortion."
   
Ironically, many women also support this decision. According to an anonymous abortion doctor, "For the past 40 years, those who believe in woman's right to choose have been denounced as [[murder|baby killers]]. Now that this fiction has been abandoned, conservatives can go about restricting our reproductive rights without being complete dicks about it. No pun intended."
+
Ironically, many women also support this decision. According to an anonymous abortion doctor (Thaddaus "Ty" Cobb, address and license plate sent to you upon request) "For the past 40 years, those who believe in a woman's right to choose have been denounced by the GOP as [[murder|baby killers]]. Now that this fiction has been abandoned, conservatives can go about restricting our reproductive rights without being complete dicks about it. No pun intended."
 
{{Original}}
 
{{Original}}
This move, however, has come to stock to many socially conservative Republican women. However, Priesbus dismissed these arguments, saying, "If these women weren't intelligent enough to realize that the abortion debate was about controlling women rather than not killing fetuses, then they are probably too stupid to vote in their own self interest anyway.
+
This move, however, has shocked many socially conservative Republican women. However, Priesbus dismissed their arguments, saying, "If these women weren't intelligent enough to realize that the abortion debate was about controlling women rather than not killing fetuses, then they are probably too stupid to vote in their own self interest anyway."
   
 
[[Category:North America]]
 
[[Category:North America]]

Revision as of 11:04, January 7, 2013

This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 A newsstand that's brimming with issues

6 January 2013

WaronWomen

Come and Join the War on Women

Washington DC, USA --

In a move that stunned much of America, the Republican party has officially declared War on Women. In a memo released by the RNC, the GOP stated that "Our attempt to attract female voters is being thwarted by Democratic fear mongers using various social issues. We've concluded that any future attempts to attract women voters would likewise prove fruitless."

Therefore, the memo concludes, the GOP should no longer focus on women voters, but instead appeal to socially conservative Democrats. Using the logic that if one is going to be accused of something regardless, one might as well do it, the memo declared War on Women.

As part of the War on Women, the GOP declared that the fiction of the value of fetal life should be immediately abandoned. "For years, Republicans have falsely argued that we believe abortion is wrong because it results in the death of unborn babies," the memo said, stopping long enough to take a drink of water. "Our party should no longer fear opposing abortion on the grounds that it punishes fornicators with babies, and just admit that pregnancy is sexually arousing."

ProChoiceFetus

This pro-choice fetus could not be reached for comment

Some pundits have questioned that wisdom of this bold policy. However, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has announced independent politician Newtis Newtfield and parody of an internet meme, Preggobear, have both endorsed this new policy, with the former possibly considering joining the Republican party. Many rank-and-file members of the GOP also endorsed the policy. Quoting an anonymous Republican, "It is very liberating to be able to argue against abortion without resorting to ethical or religious arguments. Now, instead of accusing women of being baby killers, I can simply argue that the purpose of government is to force our will upon others, and that I, along with other voters find pregnant bellies aesthetically pleasing. Therefore, it follows that we can and ought to elect representatives to pass laws to restrict abortion."

Ironically, many women also support this decision. According to an anonymous abortion doctor (Thaddaus "Ty" Cobb, address and license plate sent to you upon request) "For the past 40 years, those who believe in a woman's right to choose have been denounced by the GOP as baby killers. Now that this fiction has been abandoned, conservatives can go about restricting our reproductive rights without being complete dicks about it. No pun intended."

UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

This move, however, has shocked many socially conservative Republican women. However, Priesbus dismissed their arguments, saying, "If these women weren't intelligent enough to realize that the abortion debate was about controlling women rather than not killing fetuses, then they are probably too stupid to vote in their own self interest anyway."

Personal tools
projects