Republican Party Declares War on Women
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 08:36:UTC)(
6 January 2013
Washington DC, USA --
In a move that stunned much of America, the Republican party has officially declared War on Women. In a memo released by the RNC, the GOP stated that "Our attempt to attract female voters is being thwarted by Democratic fear mongers using various social issues. We've concluded that any future attempts to attract women voters would likewise prove fruitless."
Therefore, the memo concludes, the GOP should no longer focus on women voters, but instead appeal to socially conservative Democrats. Using the logic that if one is going to be accused of something regardless, one might as well do it, the memo declared War on Women.
As part of the War on Women, the GOP declared that the fiction of the value of fetal life should be immediately abandoned. "For years, Republicans have falsely argued that we believe abortion is wrong because it results in the death of unborn babies," the memo said, stopping long enough to take a drink of water. "Our party should no longer fear opposing abortion on the grounds that it punishes fornicators with babies, and just admit that pregnancy is sexually arousing."
Some pundits have questioned that wisdom of this bold policy. However, RNC chairman Reince Priebus has announced independent politician Newtis Newtfield and parody of an internet meme, Preggobear, have both endorsed this new policy, with the former possibly considering joining the Republican party. Many rank-and-file members of the GOP also endorsed the policy. Quoting an anonymous Republican, "It is very liberating to be able to argue against abortion without resorting to ethical or religious arguments. Now, instead of accusing women of being baby killers, I can simply argue that the purpose of government is to force our will upon others, and that I, along with other voters find pregnant bellies aesthetically pleasing. Therefore, it follows that we can and ought to elect representatives to pass laws to restrict abortion."
Ironically, many women also support this decision. According to an anonymous abortion doctor (Thaddaus "Ty" Cobb, address and license plate sent to you upon request) "For the past 40 years, those who believe in a woman's right to choose have been denounced by the GOP as baby killers. Now that this fiction has been abandoned, conservatives can go about restricting our reproductive rights without being complete dicks about it. No pun intended."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
This move, however, has shocked many socially conservative Republican women. However, Priesbus dismissed their arguments, saying, "If these women weren't intelligent enough to realize that the abortion debate was about controlling women rather than not killing fetuses, then they are probably too stupid to vote in their own self interest anyway."